Infinite Love Holds Me

2011...

2011-12-31T21:34:00.003-05:00

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
go to the redskins cowboys game!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
nope

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
hmm... not particularly close, but so many people are pregnant!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
no where. :(

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn't have in 2011?
a love sac! http://www.lovesac.com/sacs/supersac-with-black-bear-phur-cover.html

7. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don't really remember dates anymore... but March in general :-) and late january.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
continuing to work hard with clients and helping them with stuff

9. What was your biggest failure?
failure? whaaat??

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
nope

11. What was the best thing you bought?
derek's jordans haha... or my michael kors and kate spade bag :-) hehe

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
idk this question is just weird. (ditto last year's response)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
eh. no one.

14. Where did most of your money go?
normal stuff... but was able to buy a few fun things for myself

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
a certain man lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
hey baby by pitbull, dj got us falling in love again by usher, party rock anthem (of course)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: happier
ii. richer or poorer?: richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
taken a vacation!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
hm. idk. i'd rather end the year thinking of good things instead of regrets.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent it with my family and cousins and then hung out with derek that night while he was working

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
perhaps. ;-)

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
law and order svu, grey's anatomy, private practice

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
90s rap

28. What did you want and get?

i wasn't necessarily wanting this a year ago, but i got a pretty awesome boy

29. What did you want and not get?
i'm good.

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
muppets! aaand. hmmm... lion king 3d. lol

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
24 years - derek took me to mccormick and schmicks and then surprised me at the piano bar by having all my friends there, then on my actual birthday we had a cookout at my house

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
hmm.. nothing

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
lol. lazy.

34. What kept you sane?
my job, working out, derek

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
oh who else but george clooney?

37. Who did you miss?
no one

38. Who was the best new person you met?
new clients lol

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
"if you think you've done everything perfectly, it turns out you've only been making mistakes" - client

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey.

and

baby kiss me thru the phone lol

2011-08-19T01:40:00.004-04:00

god,

i'm going to be honest with you, because even tho you know exactly what's going on inside of me, i haven't talked honestly to you about it.

i've been preoccupied with other things lately. you haven't been the number one in my life. i've let you fall to the wayside and even blamed you for that. i've been lukewarm, and allowed my behavioralist education to become my primary belief system.

to be honest, you aren't the most important part of my life right now. relationships are, my job, my friends, my own desires - such as rest and relaxation - are my first importance.

but god, this isn't what i truly want. i'd like a love for you to come easily, but i think it's become clear that doesn't happen.

lord, i want you to change me. i need clarity on what is true and what is not. i want to know where you want me to be and what you want me to do with my life.

lord, i want and desire a strong passion for you! i want to genuinely enjoy and adore you. it's been so long since i've felt your presence, god. please meet me lord! overwhelm me with your love!

i love you, lord. more than anything this earth can give me. i know there is nothing greater than you, but help me to feel that!

i want a heart that is willing to sacrifice everything for your name's sake.

lord, i love you, i want you, and you tell us that if we knock at the door, you will answer, and if we seek we will find, and if we ask it will be given to us.

well lord, here i am, asking, seeking and knocking. i want you to be my one and only, i want you to be my all! i want nothing more than for you to consume my life.

fill me father, fill me til my cup overflows.

change my life, lord. i'm ready to follow you.

amen.

the ups and downs of friendship

2011-06-17T01:00:00.004-04:00

well.... life has given me some direction. :-)

some thoughts i've had recently...

true friendships are there with you through the thick and the thin. they are there during the times when schedules line up and you hang out all the time, and the times when it takes weeks to see the other person and all you can do is send a text now and then to let them know you're still thinking of them. a true friend sticks with you not just when you're constantly there for them, but also when they need to be there for you. a one sided friendship will never last. it only wears out the person doing all the work.

it's sad when someone you've dedicated a lot of time and energy to, someone you've helped countless times and were there for them during many difficult times, someone you had a lot of memories with and considered to be a friend, stops talking to you and basically tells you they don't want to be friends unless you can dedicate more time to them.

in my sin and selfishness, i can feel like i deserve more than that because i know i've put in a lot of work, and had a lot of patience towards someone who i didn't always feel deserved it, i feel like i've laid aside other friendships to pursue someone because i knew they needed a friend, i feel like i've encouraged and discipled and counseled someone when i was in a weak place and needing some encouragement myself, and for what? to have someone try to make me feel guilty whenever i couldn't hang out, or to get annoyed with me when i couldn't talk, and to give up on me entirely when my schedule got too busy to hang out multiple times a week.

after considering all of these things, i have 2 choices, to get mad and feel like it was all a waste of time, or to think of how jesus would respond. jesus loved the people who rejected him. he commands us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you. strong words. but how much more would he want us to love and pray for those who ignore us, or that friend who takes up all your time, or the friend who stops speaking to you? probably a lot more. that's something i need to work on.

2011-02-09T00:52:00.001-05:00

dear life,

i need some direction.

please help me out here.

thanks,

2010 summed up in a dumb survey.

2010-12-31T00:17:00.002-05:00

2010...

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
graduate college, get a real job, buy a car

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
nope

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
don't think so

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
no where. sadly.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you didn't have in 2010?
hmm.... not sure.

7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
may - end of aisle 5 and college, august - got a job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating college! and getting a job. :) i'm sensing a theme here.

9. What was your biggest failure?
i don't fail.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
i've been surprisingly healthy this year... in comparison.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
idk this question is just weird.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
no one's. everyone behaved this year. [for once]

14. Where did most of your money go?
mostly to paying bills, and gas, and car payments, but towards the end of the year i was able to buy more fun stuff like starting to rebuild my wardrobe and whatnot. soon i'll be looking for some cheap furniture. and tomorrow i'm buying a camera.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
being done with college!!!!! and getting a job!!!!!! :-P

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
the final countdown, reach for the stars, fireflies, firework, fall for you, all the kesha and lady gaga crap

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: happier
ii. richer or poorer?: richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
idk, i think i relaxed enough! lol

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
idk

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family and then with my cousins and grandparents

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
nope

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
law and order svu, grey's anatomy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nah

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
david lanz and yiruma, but also chill stuff like regina and ingrid.

28. What did you want and get?
a job!!

29. What did you want and not get?
hmm idk. i think i'm good.

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
toy story 3, inception, tangled,

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
23 years - i went to angel's fight, out to lunch, and then to a bar that night

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
i could think of a few things.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
mostly just comfortable.

34. What kept you sane?
friends, and clients ironically. lol

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
george clooney duh

37. Who did you miss?
jean b chang!!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
coworkers and clients!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
don't change who you are based on other people's judgments.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
she's a maaaaniac! maaaaaniac!!!!

psalm 23

2010-11-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

this psalm becomes so much more real when being recited by my clients.

2010-11-01T00:06:00.003-04:00

Paul says that our relationships with other Christians are not something we should take for granted. He says that we are to maintain - not create - these relationships. If you are a Christian, you automatically are in relationship with other Christians. You are united to one another because you are united in Christ. Because of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, you already share a deep bond that has been given to you by grace. Therefore, these relationships are gifts to be managed with great care. I am either being a good or bad steward of these gifts. If I hinger my relationships with other believers in any way, I am devaluing these relationships. If I gossip or engage in ungodly conflict, I harm the gift God has given. But if I am willing to pursue, forgive, and serve, I demonstrate care for these gifts....

Paul leads with character qualities that are opposite of what often drives our relationships. It is important to note that these are character qualities before they are actions towards others. Humility enables us to see our own sin before we focus on the sin and weakness of another. Do you hold others to a higher standard than you do yourself? A gentle person is not weak, but someone who uses their strength to empower others. A gentle person can use strength without damaging those he is trying to help. Do people regularly feel bruised in their relationship with you? A patient person is someone who places the needs of others higher than, or at the same level as, his own. He doesn't come with a self-centered agenda. A forbearing person is someone who does all this even when provoked. In other words, people who are patient and forbearing are humble and gentle even when they are provoked or when the investment they have made in a relationship turns sour. Do you love people with limits that are driven by your own perceived needs or interests? Do others feel as if they must always return a favor to keep you happy with them?

Whenever we try to give our relationships purpose, we become impatient, frustrated, and exploitative. and since we are all sinners, we will always thwart each other's purposes. This dynamic begins to reveal why God has put us in relationships. Our purpose is to get what we want, but God's purpose is to give us what we really need. God ultimately wants us to mature, to be built up, and to stop acting like infants. He wants the things that ruled Christ's heart to rule ours as well.

This is where the true value of our relationships run counter to what we normally think. We think things are going well only if we are getting along with others. But God says that it is also when we are not getting along with others that he is accomplishing his purposes! ... when we are frustrated and ready to give up, God is as work, revealing the places where we have given in to a selfish agenda (the diagnosis). He then uses that new awareness to help us grow precisely where we have struggled (the cure).

Paul Tripp/Tim Lane

love.

2010-09-13T20:38:00.000-04:00

"In those rare moments, when we are brutally honest with ourselves about the poverty of our love, isn't it painful to realize that we are, by nature, so sinful and flawed? We don't love as we should, we feel guilty, and we hide from the Lord because we think that he is like us: selfish, loveless, disappointed, and angry (although we would never say so openly). We assume that he is displeased with us, so we determine a gain to be more loving to try and get in his good graces. We inevitably fail again. Try as we might, while our attention is focused on ourselves, we just don't change. Failure drives us away from our Savior; we are blind to his eternal smile. We see the law, we see how we sin, we struggle to believe that he continues to love us with such great love, and we condemn our lack of zeal. What will ignite a white hot passion in our hearts? Only trusting in God's love for us. Only the gospel annihilates self-condemnation. Only love stimulates love."

Elyse Fitzpatrick

Counsel from the Cross

"let the little children come to me"

2010-06-14T23:49:00.003-04:00

Ashley said something today that stuck out to me. We were talking about all the free time I have right now since I'm not working and not in school (although technically I should be working on a paper). She said it seems as if God is using this time in my life to use me in other people's lives and that it's definitely not a coincidence that I'm back.

It's true... I do think God has placed me in a specific place at a specific time to help people. He's also given me a heart to help people - in fact, I really wish I had the money to just not work and devote my time to volunteering with abused people, or counseling, or with the disabled population. Unfortunately, money doesn't grow on trees and I have to support myself somehow :-P

I just hope that during this time, I won't miss opportunities that God has for me to help others around me. I hope my laziness doesn't take over and prevent me from helping someone in need or that while helping people I give the wrong advice or forget to turn back to God for wisdom.

Jesus called upon the weak, the outcast, the hated and scorned, and loved them. He said, "let the little children come to me", not the high priests and the elders, or the most popular guy in town, it was the children he wanted because he cares for the innocent and the helpless just as much as those who are lofty.

I want to be like that.

fear

2010-06-07T00:15:00.008-04:00

The Lord has promised good to me,

His Word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures

The devil has been planting seeds of fear and doubt into my head over the past few days. Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of being out of control. However, God has been faithful to remind me of his goodness during these times. He has promised to be good to me, so why should I fear? Jeremiah 29:11-14 reminds me of that promise.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

David was often fearful, or felt forsaken by God. However in Psalm 94 he says "He who planted the ear, does he not hear? He who formed the eye, does he not see? ... He who teaches man knowledge -- the Lord -- knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath." (vs 9-10) and later... "For the Lord will not forsake his people" (vs 14), and finally, "When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul" (vs 19) and "But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge." (vs 22).

To fight this fear, I've been meditating on God's love and promised goodness to us. If he is good, what is there to fear? Even when I am bitter, fearful or angry, God will continue to uphold me with his righteous hand of love. (Psalm 73) "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (vs 25-26).

God commands us not to fear: "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; will strengthen you and I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10). If God promises to uphold us, and to give us good things (Psalm 34, Psalm 37), what do I have to fear? The devil has no hold on me.

God is so much greater than any problem I may face, so what gives me the right to think I am outside of his grasp? "Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one,and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing." (Isaiah 40:26)

"It is God who brings out the stars; it was God who first set them in space; he is their Maker and Master -- they are all in his hands and subject to his will. Such are his power and his majesty. Behold your God!" (Knowing God, JI Packer)

Yet at the same time God is personal and knows each and every thing about us. We cannot flee from his presence (Psalm 139:7), he has formed us, and loves us, and nothing we can do is hidden from him (vs 13-15).

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (vs 23-24)

So if the Lord is good, promises to uphold us and give us good things, He is in control of the heavens and the earth, and still cares for each of us personally, and he has a wonderful plan for our future, I ask myself yet again, what is there to fear?

The answer? Nothing.

May the power of God overcome the whispering lies of the devil in my mind and bring comfort and peace for me to trust in Him for my future.

It is well with my soul.

psalm 37:4

2010-04-14T11:15:00.002-04:00

'Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.'

This is one of my favorite verses. It says so much in such a short sentence. When I first read this verse, I got super excited, thinking, "wow if I love God he'll give me what I want!" This, however is a very superficial way of reading this loaded verse. It's so much more than just getting what I want.

If I am delighting myself in the Lord, the desires of my heart will be in line with his. What I want and what God wants will be the same. Delighting myself in the Lord is obeying his commands and following his laws and loving him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. If I love him with all of these things, he will give me the desires of my heart. He will do what is for my good and his glory.

matt 27.51-54

2010-04-03T14:08:00.001-04:00

At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"

10 Resolutions For Mental Health

2010-03-03T11:49:00.000-05:00

(This was taken from John Piper's blog)

On October 22, 1976, Clyde Kilby, who is now with Christ in Heaven, gave an unforgettable lecture. I went to hear him that night because I loved him. He had been one of my professors in English Literature at Wheaton College. He opened my eyes to more of life than I knew could be seen. O, what eyes he had! He was like his hero, C. S. Lewis, in this regard. When he spoke of the tree he saw on the way to class this morning, you wondered why you had been so blind all your life. Since those days in classes with Clyde Kilby, Psalm 19:1 has been central to my life: “The sky is telling the glory of God.”

That night Dr. Kilby had a pastoral heart and a poet’s eye. He pled with us to stop seeking mental health in the mirror of self-analysis, but instead to drink in the remedies of God in nature. He was not naïve. He knew of sin. He knew of the necessity of redemption in Christ. But he would have said that Christ purchased new eyes for us as well as new hearts. His plea was that we stop being unamazed by the strange glory of ordinary things. He ended that lecture in 1976 with a list of resolutions. As a tribute to my teacher and a blessing to your soul, I offer them for your joy.

1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendor, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing."

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence, but just as likely ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin, straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder."

8. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

9. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.

Reports on Snow Catastrophes

2010-02-09T15:40:00.000-05:00

Jason Castro

2010-01-26T01:28:00.006-05:00

So tonight I went to my real first concert, and it was a good one - Jason Castro at Jammin' Java!

He was there with Caitlin Crosby and Matt Hires - both great artists as well!

kinda awful pics... but memorable! haha

we were so close to the stage!!

Such a fun night!!!

Is God Really In Control?

2010-01-21T15:00:00.002-05:00

chapter6.

"If you stop and think about it, you will realize that most godly character traits can only be developed through adversity. God in His infinite wisdom knows exactly what adversity we need to grow more and more into the likeness of His Son."

"We are almost insatiable in our quest for the "why" of the adversity that come upon us. But this is a futile as well as an untrusting task. God's ways, being the ways of infinite wisdom, simply cannot be comprehended by our finite minds."

"God's wisdom is fathomless; His decisions are unsearchable; His methods are mysterious and untraceable. No one has ever even understood His mind, let alone advised Him on the proper course of action. How futile and even arrogant for us to seek to determine what God is doing in a particular event or circumstance. We simply cannot search out the reasons behind His decisions or trace out the ways by which He brings those decisions to pass.

If we are to experience peace in our souls in times of adversity, we must come to the place where we truly believe that God's ways are simply beyond us and stop asking Him "why" or even tying to determine it ourselves. This may seem like an intellectual "cop out", a refusal to deal with the really tough issues of life. In fact, it is just the opposite. It is a surrender to the truth about God and our cirumstances as it is revealed to us by God himself in His inspired Word."

Jerry Bridges

a trip to philly with jenn and gerre.

2010-01-19T10:36:00.002-05:00

2009 in photos

2010-01-08T13:33:00.011-05:00

january

marchforlife

moving in with new roommates

february

first snow day

painting our red wall

my crazy roommates

and our guest housemate, fred.

once again, my crazy roommate.

march

carmen and i traveled to nyc

and saw Edi Gathegi (the guy on the left)

in nyc really late at night

pearl, my parents' new puppy

april

my grandpa passed away

jenn and i went to nyc

jean and i went to liberty u to visit kelly and cynth

in the tunnel that goes under the highway

may

blowing up groundhog holes at kelley's

photoshoot in west virginia

too much high school musical?

june

lena, carmen and i had a photoshoot in damascus and church

jimmy cone

july

reid passed away

june-august::camp

me as mike wazowski

rachel::british epic chest bump friend

hana:: british crazy dancing friend

hana and nicole, camp moms

jordan and i - the best camp moms EVER. (and the hottest)

michelle:my co-counselor. and our feelings about camp at the end.

august

carmen and i in our new apartment

jenn and i in our new room

september

aisle 5 at it's best

october

going trick or treating with a monster/witch/vampire named kelley

november

playing pranks on charity (and consequentially, lena)

december

aisle 5 realizes they're snowed in:

so we make the best of it

aisle 5 in the blizzard

aisle 5 snow reports in the blizzard

blizzard

new years eve at the kovlak's playing with her nice camera

A little late but here it is... 2009.

2010-01-02T12:47:00.002-05:00

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
go away to camp for the whole summer, almost fail a class (but i didn't)

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't usually make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no don't think so

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes, i think this year could be described as the year of death.

5. What countries did you visit?
none. boo

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you didn't have in 2009?
a real job, money to pay the bills,

7. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 5, June 15th, July 11,

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting thru camp, getting to my last year of school.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not trusting god, isn't it always?

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
not this year other than looking like i got mauled by a bear at camp.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a new phone? i dunno i really have not bought anything in the past year

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my grandmas

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
hmm no one that sticks out. other than stupid tiger woods, but i don't really care about celebrities. they're always acting appalling.

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills, gas

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
going to camp, moving into aisle 5 with the girls

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Anything by Jason Castro, Hey Juliet and Reach for the Stars and any other camp songs, Love Game and other lady gaga songs haha, owl city!! can't wait to see him in concert!!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: definitely happier
ii. richer or poorer?: so much poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
hmm i dunno

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
wasting time

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
spent it with my family

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
nope

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
law and order svu, reba, ER

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't think I hate anyone.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
don't think i discovered any really amazing music this year, but i love owl city now.

28. What did you want and get?
an awesome summer

29. What did you want and not get?
nothing i was expecting to get

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
This is it, the ugly truth, new moon was fun to watch with people but not a great film, probably other stuff but i can't remember.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 22 this year and i was at camp. i had like 300 people sing our happy birthday song to me at flag raising then went about my day to find out reid was dying back home. i spent most of the day trying to decide if i should catch a ride home with elisha or wait a few days.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
it would have been more relaxing if i had sufficient money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
camp clothes

34. What kept you sane?
at camp - charging into jordan's bunk and venting and then laughing about it in the end, this past semester - jenn and our long talks at night.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
michael jackson

37. Who did you miss?
my grandpa and reid

38. Who was the best new person you met?
jordan nicole and hana! camp mommies! fern from australia, rachel from england, and everyone else at camp. and then kira, dj, melaika, julie, ken and everyone else from work.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
be daring

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Oh the deep deep love, all I need and trust, is the deep deep love of Jesus"

"I can finally see that you're right there beside me.
I am not my own, for I have been made new.
Please don't let me go, I desperately need you.
I am not my own, for I have been made new.
Please don't let me go, I desperately need you."

Winter Storm 2009

2009-12-20T02:48:00.003-05:00

Charity, Jenn, Carmen and I are snowed in up in Baltimore, so in order to enjoy the storm and share it with our friends we decided to create news broadcasts of the storm's progress. Here is one of the funnier reports... all the others can be found on youtube by clicking on this video.

And here, the most epic blooper of the day:

Bodies Without Faces (Women’s Fight for Equality in Media)

2009-12-02T23:51:00.000-05:00

This semester I am in a Women and Theatre class and our final project for the year is to be an activist. We had to choose a topic related to Women in the media and raise consciousness about it. I’m here to start discussion on the way women are portrayed in music videos. Please feel free leave comments whether they are negative or positive. I want to hear your thoughts and I want to get people thinking about this. Thanks!

I would like to argue that the sexual way women are portrayed in music videos is just a form of prostitution and should be stopped. Yes, this may sound extreme, but I don’t think people realize what a strong statement these images are sending out to the world. We become numb to it, even if we know it’s not right, but becoming numb isn’t making it go away. Can we do something to make it stop?

Think about the music videos you’ve seen, especially with male artists, and what images of women you see. Women are flaunted, not given any sort of character, used as sex symbols, and in some they are taken advantage of but seemingly enjoy it. What example does this set for society?

Women are represented without character or personality, as if they are just objects for men to enjoy. They are bodies without faces. In most music videos, a woman is only shown in part, rarely is her whole body in view, especially her face. Who are they? What do they enjoy? Who are their friends? Do they really enjoy being victimized? Are they representative of real life women? Is this what they are really like when off the set?

Girls, can you relate to women you see on TV or in movies or music videos? Do you want to be treated like that? Guys, do you actually view women this way and if so, does it make you feel more macho to look down on women and see them as only a source of pleasure?

Think about what you are supporting when you buy that magazine, watch that movie or music video, and think about what your money is really going towards.

Interesting Facts: 1 in 5 college females will be the victim of rape or attempted rape and a sexual assault occurs every 2.5 minutes in America. How sad is that? What is truly scary is that in 2000 a riot occurred in NYC, and the images of the men mobbing around the women in the crowd looked parallel to the images shown in music videos. In the music videos, the women encouraged it and enjoyed it, as if all they were created for was sex. In real life, they were scared, hurt and victimized. The men may have thought real life women enjoy it because they see it played out in music videos all the time.

What are music videos teaching us? In psychology I’ve learned about observational learning and how we imitate that which we see. It only makes sense then that when men repeatedly see how women are portrayed on tv, that they would think that is how women actually want to be treated and also that that is how they are supposed to act towards women, as if they enjoy it.

Why is the media stuck in archaic times and still mandating what women should be like?

Take a look at this short documentary on youtube: Dream Worlds 3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6LHg_OFFRY&feature=PlayList&p=A399EA02C4F7C366&index=0

It’s a compelling look at what music videos are REALLY saying, and the impact they have on real life situations. Warning, it is very graphic, but the message it is sending is crucial and disturbing to hear.

Also, for younger kids, take a look at this site deconstructing Disney movies and the way women are portrayed to children. www.myspace.com/babesintoyland09

Girls: Just because women on TV and movies act this way does not mean you have to. Be strong and be yourself, and don’t let men disrespect you because they think they have that power over you.

Take action! Don’t just agree and do nothing, talk about it with others and try and spread knowledge. Change can’t happen without people getting up and doing something. I urge you all to think about these things carefully and I would love to hear your thoughts.

Fireball on aisle 5

2009-11-05T15:57:00.002-05:00

Jenn made a birthday cake for some guys with birthdays over the past week. The top was sprinkled with powdered sugar. When Johnny went to go blow it out the fire lit the sugar and blew a fireball out the other side. So cool!!

halloween

2009-11-01T00:19:00.001-04:00

went trick or treating with Kelley and Susan. Got loads of candy. I don't even like candy that much haha but it was fun times

Michael Jackson - This Is It

2009-10-31T01:32:00.002-04:00

If you have not seen this go to the theater right now and watch it. It. is. amazing. I walked out of the theater floating on a cloud high in the sky in complete awe.

fire on Aisle 5

2009-10-28T10:45:00.001-04:00

2009-10-27T20:39:00.001-04:00

The Last Words of David by Randall Thompson

2009-10-22T09:41:00.003-04:00

My choir is singing this song and it's amazing and beautiful and straight from scripture.

This video isn't good quality but it's the best version I can find on youtube that the choir actually sings with dynamics and annunciation.

He that ruleth over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God. And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining, after rain. Alleluia, Amen.

a typical night on aisle 5.

2009-10-17T02:12:00.002-04:00

Don't mind my awful pitchy voice. It was not done for quality. :)

Is God Really In Control?

2009-10-15T15:45:00.002-04:00

"God's providence is His constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people. Again, note the absolute terms: constant care, absolute rule, all creation. Nothing, not even the smallest virus escapes His care and control.
But notice also the twofold objective of God's providence: His own glory and the good of His people. These two objectives never work against each other; they are always in harmony. God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His external purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together. What comfort and encouragement this should be to us!"

"The providence of God is not a now-and-then operation, as though God were watching from a distance, constantly surprised by accidents, darting in once in a while to fix things after the fact, regularly frustrated by His unruly and out-of-control creation."

"He never permits [people] to act contrary to His sovereign will, which remains incomprehensible to us"

"No one can straighten what He has made crooked or make crooked what He has made straight."

"Did another driver go through a red light, strike your car and send you to the hospital with multiple fractures? Did a physician fail to detect your cancer in its early stages, when it would have been treatable? Did you end up with an incompetent instructor in a very important course in college, or an inept supervisor that blocked your career in business? All of these circumstances are under the controlling hand of our sovereign God, who is working them out in our lives for our good."

"To believe in the sovereignty of God when we do not see His direct intervention - when God is, so to speak, working entirely behind the scenes through ordinary circumstances and ordinary actions of people - is even more important, because that is the way God usually works."

"The sovereignty of God is often questioned because man does not understand what God is doing. And, because He does not at as we think He should, we conclude He cannot act for our best."

"Even in this invisible war, God is still sovereign."

"But what should distinguish the suffering of believers from unbelievers is the confidence that our suffering is under the control of an all-powerful and all-loving God; our suffering has meaning and purpose in God's eternal plan, and He brings or allows into our lives only what he for His glory and our good."

Jerry Bridges

2009-09-12T23:58:00.002-04:00

Check out my brother, Dewie's youtube page with the movies he's making. They're hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/user/6Jim101

Especially:
Ugly!
Hatin on Alarm Clocks
Jeremy Alone in Men's Room

can't vouch for the other ones haha

2009-08-28T23:00:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it amazes me how long I've known this girl...

(first grade)

And here we are after going to school together every year (minus that 1 year I was homeschooled - a memory in which I've tried to repress), going to college together and living in an apartment in Baltimore.

(12th grade)

Can't wait to move into our new apartment tomorrow! Along with Charity, Lena and Carmen!

2009-08-20T23:29:00.001-04:00

day is done, gone the sun.

camp is over.

2009-08-13T22:47:00.003-04:00

this is what i did today. dressed up as mike wasowski or however you spell it for our monsters vs aliens color war dance off. my team was monsters, obviously. and we danced to monster mash, and a bunch of other cool songs including thriller. so me and this other girl dressed up as the monsters from monsters inc and danced around on the sides and then the kids all mobbed us at the end. haha

then tonight was the end of color war. picture like 100 girls sobbing. yeah that was it. and now there is trip day, packing day and visiting day left. and then the counselors leave!!

2009-08-10T15:16:00.002-04:00

I took the kids sailing the other day. That was not by choice.

It was. The most terrifying experience of camp so far I think. More so than going out on a canoe, more than going out on the row boat, more than climbing up a 20ft pole and then falling backwards into thin air. We're on this tiny sailboat, like the one in the picture. I have 3 girls with me, only one has gone before. I've never gone before, much less manned a boat. I'm scared of water, and as it turns out, 2 of my girls are scared too. It was pretty smooth sailing out our way out to the middle of the lake, then suddenly, the boat began to tip. I had to let go of the steering thing whatever its calling and grab both sides of the boat to steady it so we wouldn't capsize. And that my friends was the last straw for the 3 girls and myself.

Immediately I decide it's time to turn around and go back to shore. So I turn the steery thing and try to get us to turn around. One of the girls is crying and grabbing my legs and another just has her head down on the side of the boat. Meanwhile I'm getting anxious cuz I don't like being so far out more than any of the other girls and I don't want to capsize because I'm not wearing a bathing suit. So I get us halfway turned around and the boat wouldn't go any further it's just stuck being pushed back and forth by the waves while the boom bonks me in the head over and over again. I was losing my patience because I had 3 freaking out kids and I had to try and stay calm myself when I'm freaking out too, try to figure out how to sail a freakin boat when I've never learned, and calm kids who refused to be calmed.

After what felt like forever, but what was probably no more than 10 or 15 minutes, another one of our boats came close by to water ski. The kids were yelling and yelling to the driver but he couldn't hear us. So finally we all decided to yell at once, "JAAACCCK!!!" and he looked over. I asked him if he could call a boat to come get us cuz the kids were freaking out and we couldn't get back to shore. He helped us get turned around a little and how to work the sail (which was still hovering around my head) and we got a little further, but it was just pointless. The girl working the sail was actually doing a great job but we were all just tired and wanted to get back in. Within a few minutes a boat came to come and tow us in. My kids were still freaking out, one saying she was going to scream if we didn't get in right away and I told her she was NOT going to scream because that wouldn't help anything. (This was the same girl grabbing my legs the whole time, while I took her hands and kept putting them back in her lap and telling her to get her hands off of me... seriously. creepy.)

Getting towed in was the best part, we went fast, there were bumps, we didn't flip over, and we were finally back to shore. I told the kids to take off their lifevests and then sit on the sand and play quietly while I walked shakily over to Jordan to tell her about my experience. Definitely the most exhausting thing mentally and physically during camp.

One week left!!

2009-08-05T22:11:00.002-04:00

right now: feeling exhausted and annoyed. just want to leave camp. but not looking forward to anything at home.

2009-07-30T21:57:00.003-04:00

the rushing river we were stuck in. it was scary. but we lived.

our lake

Today at camp we went on a hike to the cascades. When we went last session, we got the river and it was unusually high due to the rain so we had to take off our shoes and socks and cross in a shallow place with help from the xtreme staff. The water was burning cold. That may not make any sense, but if you have ever felt water that cold you know it burns. Some of the staff was in the water for a long period of time and I felt bad for them. I only had to walk across and help the kids.

Today while going down the path we came to the river and it was rapid and really high due to the pouring rain all night. Immediately we turned around and decided to take another route. Good plan - I've already had my fill of rushing rivers for my lifetime. (To make a long story short, day off, tubing down a river, turned to rapids, got stuck, almost couldn't get out. very scary. the end.)

We took another path up to the waterfalls and ate lunch. It was beautiful as before.

The hike was another story. It was so humid we could literally see the liquid in the air. I felt so gross. And on top of just feeling icky, certain children were not making the trip pleasant with constant complaining and not obeying. But we made them chug through to the end.

Tonight one of my co counselors and I were letting off steam while putting the kids to bed. We burst out into the chicken dance - a very intense version at that - and danced all over the room while the kids watched from the bathroom with toothbrushes hanging from their mouths and shocked expressions on their faces. Then, the girls requested a lullaby to help them go to sleep. So I sang them a song from I Cantori, Cadul Gu Lo, even tho I forgot some of the words.. they didn't notice haha. Then it was time to sleep.

My kids I have in my bunk (these kids I've been talking about are in a different bunk I'm just helping out in, but I'm with them all day long so I know them well), are arriving on Sunday and I get to go help pick some of them up on Saturday, I think from nyc. Sweet!

In other news, this is prolly the funniest youtube video I've ever seen. No joke. watch it a few times to get everything out of it. some of the things said are just ridiculous haha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

camp goodnight song

2009-07-26T10:19:00.002-04:00

green trees around us

blue skies above

friends all around us

in a world filled with love

taps sounding softly

hearts beating true

as campers say

goodnight to you

day is done

gone the sun

from the lakes from the hills from the sky

all is well

safely rest

god is nigh

Reid Lewis Jones

2009-07-16T21:06:00.003-04:00

My cousin Reid (22 yrs old) passed away on Saturday of pneumonia. For those of you who don't know, he had severe brain damage, cerebral palsy, was blind along with some other problems. He was a blessing to our family and to others who knew him and today at the memorial service I said the following,

When we were younger, a song we dubbed as Reid’s song went like this, “Peter and John went to pray, they met a young man on the way, he asked for alms and held out his palms and this is what Peter did say, 'Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have give I thee, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk!' He went walking and leaping and praising God! Etc…”

Growing up, we used to pray for Reid’s healing almost every night before bed. We prayed for God to heal him and that one day he would just get up and walk. But God had better plans for Reid to impact people. He didn’t need to have a voice to preach or the capability to walk. Instead, God used Reid’s incapabilities to show others the love of God.

In this sad world we live in, kids like Reid aren’t always cared for, but the opposite happened with Reid. His family willingly took on the burden of caring for him. This meant diaper changes, milk pump feedings, rushing to the hospital, shaving his face, moving his heavy stiff body, late nights and early mornings and probably many other things I don’t even know about, the tasks only grew as he got older. I never once heard a complaint. I believe he brought their family closer as they accepted the situation and were grateful for him.

Reid was involved in every aspect of family life. He sat in the same room with us, moved to the dining room when we did, listened as we all yelled during football games, or sang songs or performed skits. I remember as a kid loving to climb up on his wheelchair when he wasn’t in it, thinking it was pretty cool. The younger kids even got to sit on his lap sometimes. We used to lay on his wedge with him sometimes too, he was always included. I remember Vicky opening his presents at every birthday and Christmas and reading him the cards and then letting him feel the present with his hands and putting it in his lap. I remember babysitting him and just sitting and holding his hand or rubbing his chest when he was upset, or turning on silly music with Erin for him to listen to and then running away giggling, leaving him to listen to whatever we had turned on – poor guy! One particular time I remember was at my graduation party, my friends and I were talking and laughing all over the family room and Reid was sitting right there with us included in the fun. I always appreciated how at events or church, people would greet him along with everyone else, he was never ignored.

My recent favorite memory was Reid’s 21st birthday. Many people dropped by as the night went on, unexpected friends old and new filled their home. The girls pulled out the camera and took tons of pictures of each other and we gathered around Reid and took pictures and made goofy faces. I remember laughing about how most guys would love to be surrounded by girls on their 21st birthday and he got just that! Even though we were his sisters and cousins. Us girls are big gigglers and he got a lot of that that night. It’s how he knew us since he couldn’t see us. He probably knew there was trouble when he heard the giggling starting up.

As we all know, Reid was special. God allowed Reid to live a long life. He made it through 22 years of life when he wasn't expected to live a few days, and when kids like him don't usually get through their teen years. God has been so good to Reid.

In Reid, I see a glimpse of heaven. Because by looking at him, and being with him, I get to long for the days when I get to talk with him, walk with him, and run with him around the pearly streets of heaven. In Reid, I see a day where there will be no more suffering, no more handicaps, no more hardship, no more tears. One day, we will be up in heaven, and Reid will be there too, and he will be talking to us, and we will be able to laugh and sing and talk of God's mercy. I cannot wait to spend eternity with him, marveling in the goodness of God. And I cannot wait to go "walking and leaping and praising God" with him!

2009-07-12T11:00:00.002-04:00

camp

2009-07-01T16:27:00.003-04:00

The kids have been here a week as of today and there are 2 and a half more weeks left. Everyone is getting the flu, or is just feeling crappy in general. Including myself.
And it's raining. I think we just need to go to bed and try to start the day over again.

camp

2009-06-16T21:49:00.002-04:00

I've arrived at camp. This place is so gorgeous. Everything is lush and green and cool except the very middle of the day when the sun is right over top. Not a good time to run around outside. Actually I wore a hoodie most of the day. My kind of weather!!

Right now I'm in a bunk with a bunch of other staff, but we'll split up once the kids get here next Wednesday. I met my head counselor today, she is from England and totally awesome! She acts very british too... hilarious.

This week we're in orientation and on Friday (i think... I'm still not really sure what day is it) we may go to Boston. One girl I'm friends with is from that area and was like, eh I guess I'll go. I told her I feel the same way about people going to visit DC. Whyyy??

I'm learning to differentiate between British, Australian, New Zealand and South African accents. It's hard but I'm picking up on it and can notice differences. Some of the girls were joking about how they sounded Australian when really they were british and how they should put on a different county's accent every time they talk to someone new. I thought, they all sound the same to me and probably most other americans here. oh well. :-P they're still fun to listen to. Some girl just came up to me and asked my name in an Irish accent and then was like, I'm actually not Irish I'm just talking like that haha

We have flag raisings and someone wakes us up over a loudspeaker in the morning. But its not super loud like when my mom comes in and sings to me in the morning. Not cool.

Right now everyone is playing games in the staff lounge or watching tv or on computers. I'm probably gonna head to bed soon. I still haven't recovered from the lack of sleep before driving 13 hrs. Plus I'm so dehydrated right now so I just feel tired.

Tomorrow we're making a run to Walmart, which will be good. Already I'm realizing stuff I forgot! Sweatpants (how did i do that?!?!), laundry bag and I need a watch. A lot of girls do haha cuz we can't have our phones on us so we never know what time it is. Then the day after that the boys' camp staff from Lake Winnepasaukee is coming over for some social or dance I think.

Right now all I can think is I can't believe I'll be here for 2 months. Seems like forever now, but it'll probably pass quicker than I think it will. Especially once the kids arrive.

Anyway. I'm gonna go to bed and read for awhile or something.

Psalm 18

2009-06-11T14:09:00.002-04:00

¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength.

² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

³ I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

⁴ The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded. ^c]">

¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

²⁰ The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

²¹ For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I have not done evil by turning from my God.

²² All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.

²³ I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.

²⁴ The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

²⁷ You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

²⁸ You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.

³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

³¹ For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?

³² It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

³⁵ You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.

³⁶ You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer.

⁴² I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
I poured them out like mud in the streets.

⁴³ You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations;
people I did not know are subject to me.

⁴⁴ As soon as they hear me, they obey me;
foreigners cringe before me.

⁴⁵ They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.

⁴⁶ The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

⁴⁷ He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,

⁴⁸ who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.

⁴⁹ Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.

⁵⁰ He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

The bolded verse just suddenly popped into my head as I thought about the last month or so. In my distress I called out to the Lord and he answered me and rescued me from the threat of the devil's entanglement.

I leave for camp in 3 days. I'll be there until August 17th. I'm going to try and keep this blog updated with whats going on.

hangin with sisters

2009-06-10T16:38:00.002-04:00

sleep study

2009-06-05T15:40:00.003-04:00

So this picture is dark but I couldn't get out of bed to turn on the light because I was wired to the machine. The other night I did a sleep study to try and figure out why I'm sleeping so long and waking up exhausted. The doctor thought I may have sleep apnea - where one wakes up all throughout the night because they've stopped breathing for a period of time, but they never remember this happening because it only goes through their short term memory and never makes it to long term memory, so by morning its all been forgotten. ::takes a breath::

Anyhow... this visit to the doctor was fascinating because I told him I was a psych major and so he was going a little more in depth about things knowing I knew what he was talking about. Whenever I'd learned about sleep and sleep cycles in the past classes I've had I was always so intrigued. He talked to me about how he thinks I may have this thing called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which is caused by disassociating my bed with sleeping - my guess is this is from many late nights of talking online while sitting in my bed and then going to sleep late.

The way to fix this problem is to do behavioral therapy on myself by changing my routine. Picking a time to go to bed each night and a time to wake up each morning and never straying from that routine. So like he suggested going to bed at 12 every night and waking up at 8 every morning - something I haven't done yet what with hanging out with friends late at night. This will probably become an easier pattern once I'm at camp for the summer and will be waking up before 8 every morning to little girls in my cabin. :) Also, whenever I'm lying in bed and can't fall asleep, I need to get up, leave the room and do something else calm like reading, but no computer or tv or texting because the light that comes off of those can be so harsh that it wakes me up by turning off my melatonin - a chemical in the brain that makes you sleepy, usually set off by darkness. Also, getting out of the bed when I'm not tired will help reaassociate my bed with sleeping instead of laying awake. I also have to make sure I'm not sleeping during the day, even when I've missed sleep at night. I have failed at that this week because there were two nights where I got little to no sleep at all and couldn't keep my eyes open in the morning so I slept.

This therapy will take time to get into and I think will come a bit more naturally while at camp, which by the way I am so excited about - I leave a week from Monday!!

Anyway, this sleep study I did, it looks like I don't have sleep apnea after all, which is good. I didn't want to have to wear this mask thing when I sleep, blech. haha. But I don't think the study was a good representation of how I sleep since they stuck wires all over my face and in my hair (yuck) and had tubes around my nose to see when I was breathing and stuff. There's nothing like being rudely awakened at 5am and then having stickers ripped off your face while you're groggily coming to consciousness.

All this stuff fascinates me. Because I am a nerd. Oh wells. :)

2009-06-02T01:12:00.002-04:00

I never thought I'd get to the point where I was looking forward to going to camp to live with and care for children for 2 months because it's a break from life here!

So worn out! And not just because I haven't been sleeping or eating.

Thunderstorm in a field

2009-05-29T01:03:00.003-04:00

So today was insane. And fun.

Last night after saying goodbye to Brian :( Kelley and I decided to go to Elisha's bonfire. We hung out there until like 3am, sitting in the treehouse, talking around the fire, dancing around the fire, attempting to have a "courtship panel" ::panel fail:: etc. Then, the plan for today was to go to Kelley's farm and blow up the groundhog holes.

Today was rainy and humid and overall disgusting. But the plan was still a go. Elisha and I arrived and we had to go get Angel who had missed the house and was parked down the street a bit. So Kelley drove the 4-wheeler and Elisha and I side-saddled on the back thru the fields and stuff. When we were all there it was time to go out to find the holes. Elisha and I were on one 4wheeler and Angel and Kelley on the other, Angel was driving so we were going pretty slow :) (he'd never driven one before).

We drove around looking for holes, Elisha and I drove off down the field ourselves to look for some holes he remembered from before. We couldn't find any fresh ones so we came back to where Angel and Kelley were. They had found some holes so we parked the 4wheeler at a distance, along with the multiple containers of gas we'd brought along. The guys began to pour gas down 4 or 5 of the holes - there were tons. Then after the other 3 of us had backed away, Kelley threw a match down one hole, while standing in the middle of the other 3 holes. Immediately - KAAABOOOOMMM!!! A huge fireball explodes into the air with a blast from every hole while Kelley ducked in cover between the fire. The guys and I went running to get away from it but it was over as soon as it started except a lingering fire which we steered clear of in case it was going to explode more.

After we decided to not pour more gas down any of the holes for fear of it being attached to one of the other holes with fire still in it and blowing ourselves up - yes, we can be smart - we decided to move onto another colony of groundhog holes.

When we had first arrived out in the field, it was just starting to sprinkle and the clouds looked ominious, by this point, there was a stead rain falling and the thunder was clapping louder over our heads but the storm still wasn't quite there and we decided to stick it out a little longer.

Anyway, we get to the new colony and find about 4 holes which we pour gasoline in. The guys wanted me to throw the match in so I agreed reluctantly and told them if I died it was their fault. So I stood behind the hole so the fire wouldn't blow in my face and threw the match in.

It didn't make a KABOOM sound again but huge puffs of fire blew out of three of the holes, while dodging one of them I almost ran into another one. It was exhilerating. We then examined the holes to see what was happening in them and saw there was still a fire in one of them. So we decided to stomp it out with dirt and keep going.

Then suddenly, the storm was right over us. We're in a field, which is the better option? Under a tree or in the middle of a field? Kelley and I felt safe since we were the shortest though :)

Thunder boomed above and lightening shot through the sky, and a downpour quickly soaked us. We ran to the 4wheelers and jumped on heading full speed for the house. Elisha and I got out faster than the other two so we're racing ahead, and the rain is coming down so hard we can't see anything and we're laughing about how insane we are when we realize Kelley went a different way up the field and we're like uh oh can we still go this way?? But we could, fortunately. As we kept going toward the house the rain got harder and heavier and I couldn't see a thing, hopefully Elisha could see better than I could since he was driving.

We pulled up to the house and leaped off the 4wheelers and ran for cover. We were all completely and utterly soaked. All we could do was laugh at ourselves and how crazy we were but how much fun it was. Mrs A took a picture of us before we trudged through the house with our soppy clothes to change. What a relief it was to put on some dry clothes and curl up on the couch with hot chocolate and watch The Patriot. Aahh Mel Gibson :D

Crazy day with crazy friends = perfect memory.

Remembering Grandpa

2009-05-16T22:49:00.000-04:00

I have a lot of grandpas. And out of all of my grandpas, Grandpa Jones was the one I knew the best - and with no offense to all my others - he was probably my favorite. And I had the joy and privilege of living with him for quite a few years of my life, and although I don't remember much from when I lived with him as a kid, in the past few years I got to know and appreciate him even more.

Grandpa was so selfless and giving of what he had. From putting up with our family of 7 in his condo, or planting a tree for each grandchild in the front yard, to sending all the girl cousins out on a shopping spree - regardless of the cost, he just wanted to make sure we had fun - to paying for all of us to come visit them in Florida, to buying us kids computers, and putting together my furniture and fixing the dining room table for a caregroup event - which meant flipping the whole thing upside down. I never heard a single complaint. Never did I hear him raise his voice, or angry - he was such a happy old man who loved his family and doing things around the house and building his retaining wall out back, or just riding around the yard on his lawn mower. He was steady and hardworking. Even when he got to the point of having to stop and take a break from his work every few minutes and sit down, he kept at it until the job was done. I miss just sitting inside the house and watching him work meticulously on his retaining wall, or come home to see him just driving his beloved lawn mower around the yard (that he wouldn't let me drive).

It wasn't until I was older that I understood how hilarious Grandpa was. Whether it was a completely random email about our old cat Spats, which he renamed Tom, or signing an email with a Get Smart quote, or hanging a note on the thermostat the day after my parents moved out that said, "touch the thermostat and you die. granpa", or walking into the family room to find all the cousins dancing the cha cha slide and joining right in, or suddenly jumping into a conversation with a joke or comment out of the blue - he always left us laughing. If you ever want a glimpse into what Grandpa was like, sit in on a family conversation sometime, they very quickly dissolve into making the world a better place with luxury porta potties or some insane gagdet or plan to make life easier.

I love how Grandpa loved Grandma. He was not always emotionally expressive - at least around me - but I could always tell just from the way he looked at her that he adored her. He would tell me that she was quite a catch and how pretty she is. I remember one time holding up a camera to take a picture of them when they weren't expecting it, and he saw me and put his arm around Grandma and smiled with this look on his face that said, "this here is my woman!" He was so proud of his wife, and so are we all. Grandma, I want to give honor where honor is due, you are a woman of God, the family stronghold, always pointing us back to the Lord, and we respect and love you dearly. Your faithfulness to God and your family was reaped in Grandpa's life and continues to show in the lives of us kids. You will have much reward in heaven. You are one of my heroes, and I want to be like you when I grow up.

2009-05-02T04:08:00.006-04:00

When a person reacts positively to tragedy - that's a miracle. Psalm 23 concludes with the glorious line: "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life." That's God's way of saying that life will often be filled with goodness, but that even when God's goodness cannot be seen, his mercy can be experienced! In the midst of tears, heartbreak, enormous loss, and terrible sorrow, suddenly a sweet mood, like a gentle kiss, will touch your wounded heart. That experience is called mercy. It comes as an expression of God's love.

The good news I have for you is: God promises mercy adequate enough to meet any tragedy.

-Robert Schuller

i miss him.

favorite hymn

2009-03-04T17:26:00.002-05:00

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul


 It is well with my soul, 
 it is well, it is well with my soul. 

                        Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, 
 let this blest assurance control, 
 that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, 
 and hath shed his own blood for my soul. 

                        My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! 
 My sin, not in part but the whole, 
 is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, 
 praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 
 
                      And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, 
 the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; 
 the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, 
 even so, it is well with my soul.

The Altar

2009-02-16T20:09:00.000-05:00

A broken ALTAR, Lord thy servant rears,
Made of a heart, and cemented with teares:
Whose parts are as thy hand did frame;
No workmans tool hath touch'd the same
A HEART alone
Is such a stone,
As nothing but
Thy pow'r doth cut.
Wherefore each part
Of my hard heart
Meets in this frame,
To praise thy Name:
That if I chance to hold my peace,
These stones to praise thee may not cease.
O let thy blessed SACRIFICE be mine,
And sanctifie this ALTAR to be thine.

by george herbert

Striving After God

2009-02-16T18:11:00.005-05:00

True art is made noble and religious by the mind producing it.
For those who feel it, nothing makes the soul so religious and pure as the endeavor to create something perfect.
For God is perfection.
And whoever strives after perfection is striving after God.

Words by Michelangelo
Music by Undine Moore

-we are singing this song in choir. so pretty.

whats going on these days

2009-02-07T10:49:00.004-05:00

So it's been like a month since I last posted anything, mostly because I've been so busy I haven't had time to sit down and write anything.

Christmas break was pretty blahzay. I couldn't wait for school to start so I could stop sitting around doing nothing and actually get busy.

Well, school started and I'm not bored anymore. I moved up to Towson to live with Lena and Charity in late January and I commute down to UMBC everyday, it's about a 20-30 minute drive depending on traffic. Not bad. So far living with them has been a blast. The house wasn't in good shape when we moved in, needed some serious cleaning, but we buckled down and cleaned that place in the first week or so. We scrubbed the floors and walls and sinks and vacuumed and got it looking liveable. Here is my room so far - still needs some shelves and drawers to be able to put everything away, and the futon and the extra closet space are going to be taken out soon and my keyboard will be brought in.
.

We had birds for the first week that the girl who lived there before had left behind. We did not want them though. Charity was going to take one home, and the other one we had to find a home for, so we asked around, tried to take it back to Petsmart but to no avail. So we took down their big cage and put them in the bathroom for a little while, but then we realized it was too dark and they couldn't find their food or water or each other so we brought them back out into the open and put them in a small cage with a box. She then took both of them home that weekend and was able to get rid of the other one on facebook. So no more birds for us.

So life is fun in Towson, hanging out with the girls, making dinner together, trying to stay warm by doing the cha-cha slide, singing at the top of our lungs and huddling under blankets.

School on the other hand...

I'm taking 5 classes - 15 credits.
Py332 (Statistics for Psychology majors part 2), this class is a continuation of the stats class I took at Shady Grove last year. The deal is though, the campuses teach it two different ways. Over the course of the year we have to come up with a research topic, and do an experiment and write up a review on the results. Last semester at Shady Grove we came up with our topics, and wrote proposals and sent them to IRB (the ethics board for research basically). At UMBC's main campus they start out the second semester with picking out a topic and preparing to write a proposal and then do the experiment (all in one semester). So everything we've covered so far I've already done, but I have to find a new topic and write a new proposal because using what I used last year would be plagiarizing against myself. Hmm...

The Exceptional Child, this class is a Psych class about Special Ed kids. So far everything we've gone over I've learned in multiple Education classes. So it's been pretty boring. The professor talks really quietly in a huge lecture hall and it can be hard to hear her. I'm hoping we'll get away from logistical stuff like IDEA and No Child Left Behind and move onto the actual children.

I'm also taking a History of Women in America class which so far has been pretty interesting. My professor is pretty cool, she brings in music and sound clips for us to listen to from whatever we're studying. We're starting out with the Civil War women and working to the present.

Sensation and Perception -- oh my goodness. From the moment the professor opens his mouth to the moment class is over I have no idea what's going on. Everything he says is over my head and about stuff I've never thought about before but the way he presents it is as if I've already considered all these things before. Questions like, what is real and what are the limits of something being real? Well... I don't know, it just is real. But apparently it's much more than that. Let's hope this starts to make sense soon as I have to think WAY outside of the box.

And my favorite class... the Jubilee Singers. My professor is so awesome and fun and a Christian. The choir is fairly small, with a lot of really good tenors and basses. There aren't too many girls but we can hold our own pretty well. We're singing some gospel type songs like "From the Fount" and "Striving after God" and the classic "Siyahamba" which I already knew from I Cantori.

In other news, Brandy died this week, we'd had her for 10 years and she died of cancer on Monday. :( She was a good dog, always calm unless we got her riled up, and never licked our faces because we didn't like that.

"but he gave them no answer"

2009-01-08T23:55:00.006-05:00

Meanwhile Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, "Are you the king of the Jews?"

"Yes, it is as you say," Jesus replied.

When he was accused by the chief priests and the elders, he gave no answer.

Then Pilate asked him, "Don't you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?"

But Jesus made no reply, not even to a single charge—to the great amazement of the governor.

-Matthew 27:11-14

In the gospels of Matthew and Mark, between this last statement from Jesus, "Yes, it is as you say" and when he cries out on the cross, "My God my God why have you forsaken me?", he says nothing. During this time, the Jews - his own people whom he has healed and taught and cared for for years - have thrown him at their leaders to be crucified. They mock him and spit on him, they lie about him and humiliate him with a crown of thorns and a robe and a crude sign that says "king of the jews". Yet he said nothing.

He refused to defend himself. He refused to say a word, because there was nothing that could change Pilate's mind. He refused to remind them of everything he had done, or the miracles he'd performed. He refused to remind them of the many times someone realized he was indeed the Messiah. He refused to tell them they were sinning against God. He refused to prove he was God and strike them down for their unbelief. No, he refused because he loved us. He wasn't here to get revenge for all our sins and prove he was God and not to mess with him.

It's so easy to want revenge on someone who has sinned against us, or sinned against a close friend. It's our human nature, to defend ourselves and those we love. When someone hurts them, we want to get them back. It makes us feel better - or does it? Usually hurting someone back isn't relief for our aching sinful souls. Hurting them in revenge for what they did is only sinning more, and it weighs on our hearts.

Revenge falls under many categories...

Anger : Jesus said, "But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell"

or ... love: Jesus said, Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you....

or maybe judgment: Jesus said, Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

When Jesus had the chance to take out his wrath on us and get revenge for everything we have done to him, he chose not to speak. He didn't even defend himself. Why? First of all, out of pure love for his children, but also as an example to us to demonstrate love even when others hate us. Even when they have wrongfully sinned against us. There is no reason to stand up for ourselves and get mad at others when they've done us wrong, because we have nothing worthy of that shallow glory in ourselves without God. He is the only one who makes us clean, we can't do that in ourselves.

A friend reminded me recently of Jesus when I expressed to her my desire for revenge. She simply told me, even when everyone mocked him and ridiculed him and humiliated him, he didn't respond. There was no reason to. What good would it have done? This stuck with me, that even though I have mocked and hated God he hasn't taken it back out on me. He simply stood there and bore it all. What an example to follow!

The Lord is our avenger, and we need not worry about taking things into our own hands. That got Peter no where in the Garden of Gethsemane when he chopped off the soldier's ear. God will avenge our wrongdoings, we need not fret about the sins of others.

2008-12-29T03:04:00.001-05:00

i want to move away and start a new life somewhere else.

end of the year survey

2008-12-19T00:48:00.002-05:00

2008.....

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
take statistics. live with joneses for like 5 months. watched high school musical haha

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't usually make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
hmm... probably someone, but no one is coming to mind at the moment.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
no countries this year. :(

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you didn't have in 2008?
greater passion for god

7. What date(s) from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
this year has been a bit of a blur.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
finishing one semester of statistics!!! and being done with mc! haha

9. What was your biggest failure?
making bad choices and not trusting god

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
scarlet fever!! rockkk ooonnn

11. What was the best thing you bought?
christmas presents for people

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
dunno

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine.

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills, gas

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
being done with mc! and recently, getting hte money to go to umbc and move in with charity and lena!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
viva la vida, one step at a time, all the single ladies, and basically any other song that played on 99.5 that the guy i worked with would play on his ipod for every aerobics therapy class. haha

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: happier i think
ii. richer or poorer?: richer, but going into debt with school. blaahh

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
listening to my conscience, trusting god

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being self absorbed, talking to someone, complaining

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family and then with my cousins and grandparents

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
nope

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
law and order svu, reba (!!!), cosby

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don't "hate" people. strongly dislike, sure there might be a few...

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
cool soundtracks like mamma mia, hairspray and stuff

28. What did you want and get?
to go to umbc

29. What did you want and not get?
new stuff like laptop, car, etc.

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
hairspray, horton hears a who, mamma mia

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 21, had a migraine, drove downtown with ashley and got some food, then went to get license and back to the house to watch a movie, then went out with friends to bailey's and back to the house for a really scary movie

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not making dumb mistakes.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
i dunno.

34. What kept you sane?
friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
no one

37. Who did you miss?
sane people who think logically and don't condemn.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
abby and amy and kevin and alicia and the other amy and danny and rosie and jackie and all the other cool people at work.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
god is in control.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"if i were a boy i think i could understand, how it feels to love a girl i swear i'd be a better man"
"all the single ladies!!... if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!" haha
"i'm not a princess this ain't a fairy, i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell..."
"be thou my vision o lord of my heart, naught be all else to me save that thou art, thou my best thought by day or by night, waking or sleeping thy presence my light"

hooray a new year! and lets hope its a better one.

twilight. yes i saw it. even tho i swore i wouldn't

2008-12-16T23:33:00.006-05:00

A few months back I started noticing this name popping up all over facebook. Edward Cullen. I kept thinking, who is this guy and why is everyone so obsessed with him?

Then I found out. He's a really hot vampire, and now every teenage girl wants to marry one.

Weird much? Yeah I thought so too.

Months passed and previews for the upcoming movie started showing everywhere, pictures of this pale faced lipstick wearing scary guy were all over facebook, and I swore to everyone I would never see this movie. I'm not really into going to see things that everyone is crazed over, especially when the dazed and crazed are high school girls.

However one Saturday night a few weeks ago some friends were going to see it so I decided to tag along, pretty sure I would be bored throughout the whole thing - I don't like fantasy stories and I assumed it would be such a movie. The movie started with a deer sipping from a brook and running through a green forest - oh no! I thought as I remembered the beginning of the Lord of the Rings trilogy which begins in a calm green shire but ends up being like 10 hours of strange monsters fighting and screaming. This movie quickly moved from the forest to the life of a typical teenage girl. I actually still don't get the whole deer in the woods montage. But whatever.

The theater waited anxiously for this so called hottie Edward Cullen to enter the scene, and when he did, many excited squeals arose from the girls in the room. I laughed at them and wondered why they thought he was so hot. He was really ugly! His face was deathly pale and his lips were blood red (hence, the name "vampire"). His eyes were cold and his hair fell in weird places. He didn't say anything spectacular, he just sat there awkwardly. Why then this love fest over a fictional vampire?

By the end of the movie I realized why girls loved him so much. Edward Cullen was just like any other fictional man that girls fall in love with, prince charming, Jack Sparrow, Mr. Darcy, etc except with a twist of "bad" in him. He was the perfect gentleman, protective of Bella (the protagonist), charming and romantic. He wasn't just after sleeping with her, but rather getting to know her and being her friend.

I'm surprised that even after all this time of feminism being on the rise, and girls wanting control and claiming not to need a man in their life, that they still fall for the perfect guy. There is something in a girl's nature to fall for a guy like that. Girls can fight it off as much as they want but the desire is still there to have a prince charming, a guy who will respect and protect us through anything. God just made us that way, and there really isn't anything we can do about it even if we deny it.

Movies with characters like this remind girls of how a guy should treat us, and how we should want to be treated. We should never back down on those standards either. Expect a guy to treat you like the characters you read about and love, and if he doesn't, train him to or dump him because you don't deserve to be with a guy who doesn't respect you.

So yes, Twilight was a teenage girl movie that everyone scoffs at, and sure the plot is kind of dumb but I give those girls a thumbs up for being on the right page when it comes to their choice in men. If more girls raised their standards to that level, there may be less marital problems, and domestic abuse. Men would love, honor and respect their wives, not be dominant or controlling. Women would want to submit to their husbands because they are loved and adored and so they wouldn't want to take control. It's how God set it up to be like in the first place, we have just messed it up.

So there was my plug in for Twilight. Not the best movie or plot line, but I liked the character Edward Cullen represents to young girls watching.

Note: I have not read the book so this is only based on the movie. :)

a profile of a domestic abuser

2008-12-11T22:59:00.003-05:00

.a family member/partner who tries to physically or psychologically (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) dominate another.
.behind their charming wit and flattery are lies and manipulation.
many men can be like this without actually physically abusing a woman. they charm you into being their friend, get to know your ins and outs, they jerk you around and treat you like dirt but charm their way out of it and use manipulative words to put it back on you - like it's your fault they are jerks. they take advantage of you and run. but when they come back they use their flattery and charm to back. they domineer you, causing you to feel inferior and fear ever leaving them. you lose all confidence in yourself.
don't allow yourself to stick with one of these guys simply because you think they are all like that, or it's your fault, or you can't find anyone better. you deserve better. he deserves hell.
get out. get out while you still can.

brought to you by a bored psych student.

"I can no longer live by thinking"

2008-11-08T01:18:00.002-05:00

What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?
A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy.
Who buys a minute's mirth to wail a week?
Or sells eternity to get a toy?
For one sweet grape who will the vine destroy?

--------------------------------------------------

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
- Macbeth, Act V, Scene V

YOU GO GIRL!!!

2008-10-27T18:00:00.006-04:00

I got to go to the Sarah Palin rally today in Leesburg, VA.

it was AWESOME!!!!

I got to shake her hand
and she said she liked my glasses haha because they are like hers. :)

it was totally worth getting up at 5am and standing in the cold for hours.

GO MCCAIN~PALIN 08

In Six Troubles

2008-10-13T23:59:00.003-04:00

Remember what God has done for you and then say, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Heb 13:8) When you are praying, if you cannot see that He is comfortable towards you today, recall that He was yesterday.

If there is no present manifestations of divine favor, remember the past. He has been gracious. Can you tell how gracious? He has abounded towards you in lovingkindness, tenderness, a faithfulness. He has never been a wilderness or a land of drought to you.

Well then, if in six troubles He has delivered you, will you not trust Him for seven? (Job 5:19). If you get to sixty troubles, will you not trust Him for sixty-one?

We say that we ought always to trust someone until they deceive us. We reckon someone honest until we find otherwise. Let it be so with God. Since we have found Him good, faithful, true, kind and tender, let us not think badly of Him now that we have come into difficult straits. Come to Him and say, "Are You our God? Did You not bring us 'up out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay'(Ps 40:2)? Surely, then, You will not leave us now."

The wonders God can do! He loves us to state our difficulty, that when He gets us out we will well remember the condition we were in.

After pleading the promise and confessing our condition, we may say, "Lord, if help does come, it must come from You. It cannot come from anywhere else, so we look to You. We believe help will come. Though we do not know how it will come, we are looking to You. Though we do not know when, we are looking to You. Though we do not know what You would have us to do, we still are looking to You. Our eyes may be full of years, but they are on You."

-Spurgeon (Beside Still Waters)

God is good.

2008-10-03T01:02:00.003-04:00

Majesty, your glory is shining
brighter than the moon and the stars
Marveling, we honor and fear you above all gods.

Glorious and mighty
You're awesome in beauty
Joyful songs we raise
Glorious and mighty
You're awesome in beauty
Greatly to be praised

Majesty, you fashioned the heavens
Your decrees can never be changed
Overall, the plans of the nations
Your judgments reign

Glorious and mighty
You're awesome in beauty
Joyful songs we raise
Glorious and mighty
You're awesome in beauty
Greatly to be praised

Majesty, come again in the clouds
every knee bowed to the one true God

Glorious and mighty
You're awesome in beauty
Joyful songs we raise
Glorious and mighty
You're awesome in beauty
Greatly to be praised

.the past.

2008-09-22T23:15:00.003-04:00

When the sins of my past come back to haunt me, God is faithful to bring his Word to my heart.

Tonight while laying in Ashley's bed, curled up under a blanket after finishing a movie, I suddenly had a rush of guilt and disgust at myself for how I have sinned against others and God. Moments later, a familiar verse put to song that my mom taught me when I was young started ringing through my mind "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10). God is creating a clean heart in me each day as he sanctifies me and makes me more like himself. He has renewed my soul and called me his child. And he is faithful to remind me of that when I become overwhelmed by my sin.

Psalm 25 is so good too.... even though it makes me start singing that church song. Oh well... :)

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

she is the best

2008-09-17T23:00:00.002-04:00

.pet peeves.

2008-09-10T00:25:00.003-04:00

I have some pet peeves. They annoy me so much sometimes, that I just have to leave the room when people do them.

- When people chew loudly, or make slurping or slapping noises in their mouth. This disgusts me. I really don't like it when I'm stuck and can't get away from them. (excuse me while I gag)

- When people can't spell. Or when they use the wrong conjunction use of "your" or "there". Can't they just learn it?? I don't understand. Go back to elementary school please.

- When people are texting the entire time you are with them (or just on the phone in general). Umm hello?? If you want to talk so badly with the person you're texting, invite them to come along. Or maybe I should go home and then we can spend some quality time texting. kthxbye.

- When girls obsess over make up and find the need to put it on all day long, even when they aren't doing anything or going out. Or reapplying it all throughout the day as if they don't have enough on already. Get over it. You'd prolly look better (or like a normal human being) if you didn't put any on at all.

Those are my random thoughts for the day

.scarlet fever.

2008-08-28T12:55:00.007-04:00

So guess what? I have contracted scarlet fever... which Erin and I find quite hilarious. Seriously, of all things, why the disease that killed famous literary characters and our made up families when we played oregon trail? It's quite amusing to have a disease us kids thought didn't exist anymore.

However it has allowed us to dig into our depths of knowledge from books read in our past and remember who all died from this disease... well, wikipedia allows us to forget some old stuff because we can always look it up later.

Here we have Mary Ingalls,
who got scarlet fever and was blind as a result.

Then there is Beth from Little Women, who got scarlet fever which turned into rheumatic fever and then died.

Then who can forget the sad story of the Velveteen Rabbit??

And other notables:
Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley - Victor Frankenstein's adoptive sister Elizabeth contracts scarlet fever and recovers. But Victor's mother, who contracts the scarlet fever from Elizabeth, dies.

The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Spears - A young girl from Barbados is accused of giving scarlet fever to her cousins by using witchcraft.

Anna Jones, mother of the young Henry 'Indiana' Jones died of Scarlet Fever during the year of 1912.

Well that was fun. And as much as I'm laughing, I'm hoping to get better soon - school just started yesterday and I'm already out sick! Not cool.

as long as you are glorified

2008-08-23T22:29:00.005-04:00

Shall I take from your hand your blessings, yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank you for days of sunshine, yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love you in times of plenty, then leave you in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest, but when winter winds blow then doubt?

Oh let your will be done in me, in your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long as you are glorified.

Are you good only when I prosper, and true only when I'm filled?
Are you King only when I'm carefree, and God only when I'm well?
You are good when I'm poor and needy.
You are true when I'm parched and dry.
You still reign in the deepest valley
You're still God in the darkest night.

So quiet my restless heart, quiet my restless hart, quiet my restless heart in You.

.proverbs3:5.

2008-08-20T00:51:00.003-04:00

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

"Those who know themselves, find their own understandings a broken reed, which, if they lean upon, will fail." -matthew henry commentary

"I already have approval from the only One who matters."

true humility

2008-08-10T14:21:00.001-04:00

But what we suffer from to-day is humility in the wrong place. Modesty has moved from the organ of ambition. Modesty has settled upon the organ of conviction; where it was never meant to be. A man was meant to be doubtful about himself, but undoubting about the truth; this has been exactly reversed. Nowadays the part of a man that a man does assert is exactly the part he ought not to assert himself. The part he doubts is exactly the part he ought not to doubt -- the Divine Reason. Huxley preached a humility content to learn from Nature. But the new sceptic is so humble that he doubts if he can even learn. Thus we should be wrong if we had said hastily that there is no humility typical of our time. The truth is that there is a real humility typical of our time; but it so happens that it is practically a more poisonous humility than the wildest prostrations of the ascetic. The old humility was a spur that prevented a man from stopping; not a nail in his boot that prevented him from going on. For the old humility made a man doubtful about his efforts, which might make him work harder. But the new humility makes a man doubtful about his aims, which will make him stop working altogether.

At any street corner we may meet a man who utters the frantic and blasphemous statement that he may be wrong. Every day one comes across somebody who says that of course his view may not be the right one. Of course his view must be the right one, or it is not his view. We are on the road to producing a race of men too mentally modest to believe in the multiplication table. We are in danger of seeing philosophers who doubt the law of gravity as being a mere fancy of their own. Scoffers of old time were too proud to be convinced; but these are too humble to be convinced. The meek do inherit the earth; but the modern sceptics are too meek even to claim their inheritance.

-GK Chesterton

(gkc.blogspot.com)

things i do.

2008-08-05T22:51:00.003-04:00

so recently i was thinking of some strange things i do... i'm not sure why i do them. i just do. they might be mean... but oh well.

-when driving past construction of some sort by the road, i roll down the windows and play 99.1 (the spanish station)

-when driving in front of a convertible that is following closely behind me, i decide its time to clean my windshield, so i spray it, and hope some of the water flies back and hits them.

those were all i could think of for now, which is prolly a good thing. haha

Get Serious.

2008-07-26T23:32:00.002-04:00

Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.

You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.

Don't bad-mouth each other, friends. It's God's Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk. You're supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it. God is in charge of deciding human destiny. Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?

James 4:1-12 (from The Message Bible) :-P

It's kinda funny to read in comparison to what other versions say... but it does get right down to the point.

"Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper" instead of "resist the devil and he will flee from you" haha

.psalm139.

2008-07-20T01:18:00.002-04:00

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

grateful for memorizing this in 1st grade. it all comes back.

oh yes.

2008-07-14T00:29:00.000-04:00

we ran down the highway today.

a testimony of truth

2008-06-18T00:48:00.003-04:00

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

.1timothy1:12-17.

...genesis 1-2:2...

2008-06-10T23:58:00.017-04:00

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night."

And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky."

And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear."

And it was so.

God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas."

And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds."

And it was so.

The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds.

And God saw that it was good.

And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth."

And it was so.

God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness.

And God saw that it was good.

And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky."

So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind.

And God saw that it was good.

God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth."

And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds:
livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind."

And it was so.

God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds.

And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the bi rds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them,
"Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food."

And it was so.

God saw all that he had made,

and it was very good.

And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.

And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

you have now entered...... the twilight zone...

2008-06-10T02:47:00.003-04:00

de do de do de do de do de do de do de do de do

otherwise known as my bedroom.
::shrieks::

points from na

2008-05-30T00:22:00.008-04:00

*we fight for faith not to get God 100% for us, but because he already is 100% for us!

**Why do we want to be forgiven?**
*If Jesus is just a ticket to heaven, he is not honored.

* "I don't want to go to hell... hot!!" -piper :)

**Regressive sanctification**

*if you don't keep swimming against the current, you'll be pulled backwards.

*Psalm 42*

*We are in an unending conversation with ourselves -- this conversation has the most influence on our soul than anything else in every day life.

*talk to yourself. don't listen to yourself.

*god has not forgotten the psalmist. the psalmist has forgotten god.

*speak to your soul with the promises of god.

*talk to god - god is pleased when we come to him with his promises. he is eager to fulfill them. go to the throne and say, "do as you promised".

*Galatians 4:1-7*

*god's purpose did not conclude with redemption. it culminated into adoption.

*"to be right with God is great, but to be loved and cared for by God the Father is greater."

* am i more aware of justifying grace than of adopting grace?

*"the greatest sorrow and burden and unkindness you can do to the Father is to not believe that he loves you"

* I know that christ loves me because i love him. and there is no way that love was put there without him first loving me.

** Unless Your grace had called me
And taught my darkened mind
The world would have enthralled me
To Your glories I’d be blind
My heart knows none above You
For Your rich grace I thirst
I know that if I love You
You must have loved me first

Jesus, You have saved me
And taken all my sin, all my sins away
Jesus, You have called me
Before the world began, to glorify Your name**

jeremiah 15.16

2008-05-25T09:35:00.002-04:00

Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts.

--God's work meets us right where we are.

--the bible is not a book of all that we need to do for God, but rather a story of all that God has done for us.

-- may the bible not just be lifeless words on a page, but words from the heavenly father to meet us.

.love.

2008-05-19T23:43:00.001-04:00

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13

classic.

2008-05-18T16:56:00.000-04:00

i'm learning...

2008-04-22T00:23:00.000-04:00

not to expect things that may seem important to me.

2008-04-07T01:10:00.002-04:00

It's fun to be involved in a lot of things... but sometimes you just have to stop because your body cannot go any further.
This afternoon/evening was a nice break - even tho i was supposed to be studying for a test - it was quite relaxing. Tomorrow morning its back to the grind of life.

:)

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13

lies from the box

2008-03-31T23:43:00.002-04:00

The television.

How often can we watch it aimlessly, allowing all sorts of junk and outright lies and temptations into our minds? Well, I sure can do it a lot.

Sure, it can be a nice relaxing thing to do - sometimes I'll just turn it on simply to fall asleep and take a nap. The tv can provide entertainment though, some things are fun to watch, others interesting, and others like the news can be helpful.

There are certain things about the tv that I cannot stand. Its the message that most of it is sending. It's the "moral of the story" in the sitcoms and kids shows. When I watch some of these shows, most of them completely harmless shows from the 90s, I realize how stupid this world is. The reasoning used by the characters makes absolutely no sense and it usually completely self focused. Yet at the end, they're like "ooooh!!" and they all lived happily ever after. One was something like, "it's ok to gossip if what you're saying isn't really true. because if its not really true, its not really gossip."

Also, in a lot of the kid shows, recent and older ones, in the end, its the parent who learns the lesson. I don't know about other families, but when I was growing up, when I did something wrong, I was never able to turn it back around and teach my parents a lesson. That would have just been stupid and its totally unrealistic.

The show I hate the most is 7th Heaven. It's seen as such a wholesome sweet show, but it's all hypocrisy. If you don't know the story line of the show... It's about a dad who is a pastor of a church and has 7 kids - and the show went on for years, so all of the kids grew up and the show basically just showed the joys and trials of a family. However, Hollywood doesn't portray a "christian" family very well. But that is no surprise. Throughout the seasons, we see the kids grow up, start dating, running off with boyfriends/girlfriends, getting pregnant, the daughter becomes a pastor too, mom is pretty much always in charge, etc. Again, parents giving into the kids, thinking that they know what is best.

The tv isn't what real life is like. Reality shows are just real life versions of Jerry Springer - making entertainment out of people's nasty drama. Yay lets all sit around and laugh at sin! Whoop de do! The tv appeals to the selfishness in us, it causes us to envy others, to have self pity for not having the perfect life/job/body/family/friends/whatever. It provokes laziness. Its simply just dishing out lies, telling us that our lives could be better, if you "believe in yourself".

Well, believing in myself never got me anywhere. So turn off the tube and go read a book.

the neverending competition to be cool

2008-03-20T22:24:00.002-04:00

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." ~Ephesians 4:29

Back in high school I realized something.

I realized one day that much of what everyone said was a competition in trying to make yourself feel better while putting someone else down. Everyone would be talking - could be about anything - and teasing each other and stuff and I found so often that someone would put down another person, probably with something small, but the only intent of putting the other person down to make other people laugh at themselves or think they are better, or to just feel cool about themselves. The only reason for doing this was building yourself up - at the expense of someone else. Why make someone else feel stupid just so you can get a laugh from others around at how much cooler you are than the other person? Well... in the end, this only makes the first person look self centered.

I decided back in high school that I did not want to tear others down in order to make myself feel better. Of course sometimes that tendency slips back out again, however I don't want to be self focused in my speech. After seeing friends doing it to other friends, or to myself, I have both seen and felt the effects of blowing someone off and I don't want to be the person causing another person any pain. I want to be a person who is others focused, and building others up in my speech. God calls us to not let any unwholesome talk out of our mouths, but rather only what is building up to others. Our speech should be beneficial to those listening, not words that tear them down and hurt them. This can be done in the littlest things, so small we may not even realize it. All it does however is hurt other people, and make ourselves feel cool (for like, a second) and usually pretty shallow as well.

Anyway... that was my thought over the past few days.

my daily prayer...

2008-03-17T22:53:00.000-04:00

It was Your grace that drew me to the cross
It was Your grace that gave me faith
It was Your grace that reconciled me to Yourself
Though I had sinned in every way
You disarmed me of everything that I would lean on
So I would lean on You
And You stripped me of everything I would depend on
So I’d depend on You

In You alone my strength is found
In You alone my hope abounds
In You alone my strength is found
My life is bound up in You

And in my weakness give me still more grace
Grace to cast myself on You
In every trial let me find Your peace and joy
And grace to humbly walk with You
O disarm me of everything that I would lean on
So I will lean on You
Jesus, strip me of everything I would depend on
So I’ll depend on You

Give me more grace
Give me more grace
And new mercies every morning
Give me new mercies

we live in a backwards world

2008-03-12T15:40:00.002-04:00

Why when a public figure like President Clinton, or the more recent Governor Spitzer have extramarital affairs, or engage in prostitution, the country is shocked and wants them to resign, etc... when every day normal people are doing the same exact thing, and destroying families, yet it is overlooked completely? Yes, they live public lives, while normal people do not. But the fact is, both are still destroying families, and the normal people get away with having affairs, while the public figures have to face what they did and apologize to everyone. yeah... just a thought.

m'blah.

2008-03-10T15:45:00.002-04:00

i'm feeling very meh right now.

and asking myself, why was i put on this earth?

do you ever get that weird feeling where you suddenly feel like a speck on the earth and you wonder why you are alive? but like... not in a good way... in a kinda depressed way. yeah i kinda feel like that right now.

Life in the fast lane

2008-02-21T15:40:00.002-05:00

So I'm off work today... which is very nice. I never really get a day off unless I have something else to do. But today I couldn't go in because of a training class being held in the office.

I realized lately how busy my life is. Who would have thought life would be so busy when I'm only taking 2 classes. My life right now consists of going to work - as much as possible, which usually ends up to be between 20-30 hours a week depending on whats going on. I def need to be getting more hours in, just money-wise though. There really isn't a whole lot to do (but don't tell Joe that). :-P

On Monday and Wednesday nights I have classes. I'm taking Intro to Special Ed - which is interesting, except kinda boring. The prof is funny, but his lectures are a bit too dramatic. When he talks he turns it all into a dramatic story, and its kinda annoying. But either way, we are learning some interesting stuff - we just started working on disorders that students have. My other class is the one I need for my major - Spanish 201. I love the people in this class, we have fun, but the teacher is extreme. She talks very loudly and doesn't really teach - just has us repeat words without explaining what they mean. But we still have fun, I just don't really feel ready for that class.

Outside of school and work I have found myself to be pretty busy as well. I pick Aidan up from daycare 3 days a week, and either take her home or babysit her for awhile before taking her home. She is so sweet, I love watching her. I also just started helping Charity get the puppet team back up and running at church. This is pretty exciting to get this going again and think about what we're going to do.

I'm also applying to schools right now to try and figure out where I want to transfer to next fall. I've applied to a bunch of schools, but I don't know which one I'd like to pick. So far I've been accepted to all that I've completely applied to. There are two I haven't sent everything in to yet. I'm hoping the school I'm supposed to go to will be made very clear to me, as I don't particularly have a preference, but I would like to go to one that isn't extremely expensive, possibly close by, although I would love to go away and live in a dorm. But it will all be made clear eventually.

My caregroup also keeps me busy. I love my caregroup so much, they are my closest friends (along with Ashley), and we have so much fun together. This weekend we're having a square dance for the whole singles ministry. It should be fun, probably kind of awkward though.

Anyway, life is good. I'm busy, I have friends who care for me no matter what, and I'm looking ahead to the future with excitement. Hopefully I'll be posting on here more often.

In the words of one of my favorite authors....

2008-02-17T23:52:00.003-05:00

Take the time to read this, its so encouraging.

I named this blog after this section of "Beside Still Waters" by Charles Spurgeon

My dear believer, you must totally trust the Lord in everything and concerning everything. "Trust in Him at all times." Trust in the shadow of his winds. Trust in the light of his countenance.

Some have only learned to trust the smile of His face, but they must also learn to trust the blows of His fist. God brings us to that! "No," you say, "I can never come to that." But surely you can! Did not one of old say, "Though he slay me, yet I will trust Him" (Job 13:15)? This is precisely what we mean.

God's children undergo a variety of experiences. Today your heart is a place of sacrifice, tomorrow a battlefield. In turn, your soul is a temple and a threshing floor. But whatever your ups and downs, you will never be removed from your ordained and appointed place. By the grace of God, you are where you are and where you shall be. You will never be effectually removed from the Lord. Infinite love holds you.

Since you trusted in the Lord there have been times when you felt that you did not receive the expected support and comfort. And yet it came. Will you now leave Him and look elsewhere? God forbid! At the very worst, our gospel is better than the world at its best. I would rather drink the dregs of Christ's wine vat, when the berries are sour, than swallow the sweetest wine of the vintage of unbelief. Believe the gospel, whether or not it yields immediate comfort. We would sooner be God's dogs than the devil's darlings.

"The Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace." (Num 6:26)

A Promise of Future Grace

2008-01-30T22:27:00.000-05:00

Piper writes, "The biblical role of past grace - especially the cross - is to guarantee the certainty of future grace: 'He who did not spare his won son but gave him up for us all [past grace], will he not also freely give us all things with him [future grace]?' (Romans 8:32). Trusting in future grace is the enabling strength of our obedience. The more we trust in future grace, the more we give God the opportunity in our lives to show the glory of his inexhaustible grace. So take a promise of future grace and do some radical act of obedience on it. God will be mightily honored." (A Godward Life)

Defining the Gospel

2008-01-11T01:56:00.000-05:00

At our last caregroup meeting, we were asked to define the gospel in our own words, and also in less than 25 words. So we started writing, it was hard to fit in 25 words or less! I actually wrote a couple of versions, trying to get it just right. That is impossible, but I tried. :-P Afterwards, we read ours to the group, and everyone's were really good. It was really impacting to hear people's different takes on one major event. There is so much to be said, yet certain aspects can stand out to different people. Here are my two versions (after I just wrote down the gospel song haha):

1. (This one is basically the gospel song in my own words :-P )
Holy God became lowly man to die a gruesome death, declaring me, a sinner, righteous so I could live forever with Him.

2. God became man to save his children who turned against him, to declare them righteous in his eyes so they can live in heaven forever.

Writing out the simple truth can be a huge reminder of such a great act of mercy.

the annual survey

2007-12-24T11:20:00.000-05:00

2007.....

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
go to mexico and actually vacation

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't usually make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
mhm kaycie at the beginning of the year, and kristin... prolly others

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no one close to me, altho alivia and micah did

5. What countries did you visit?
mexico

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you didn't have in 2007?
closer friendships. more passion for god. trust in god's goodness and control in my life.

7. What date(s) from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
may 5th. cuz it sucked.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
can't think of anything i've done that's been amazing.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not trusting god.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
i had pneumonia... other than that not much.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
hmm... i dont think i've bought anything amazing.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
dunno

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine.

14. Where did most of your money go?
gas and insurance and school

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
after the first few months there was little to be excited about, except my family moving

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
"Everytime I hear your name", "Umbrella" haha...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: not sadder, more like blaaahh
ii. richer or poorer?: in general, richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
reading my bible; thinking before i spoke or did something

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
arguing, being self absorbed

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family and then with my cousins and grandparents

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
i don't know.

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favorite TV program?
law and order svu

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
don't think so

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
random songs here and there... most recently after showed by a friend - a group of kids all on pianos playing a bunch of amazing songs.

28. What did you want and get?
my own room?

29. What did you want and not get?
a car

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
dreamgirls, enchanted

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
went to summer celebration, went home, got in a big fight with a friend with pretty much sucked, slept, went out to dinner and then to caregroup

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a deeper passion for the Lord. (this seems to be a running theme over the years)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
jeans, a tshirt, a hoodie and some comfy shoes. most recently, i've gone back into my sweatpants phase. i love them :) :)

34. What kept you sane?
friends. sitting in bed (oh wait... that didn't do much) , reminding myself of god's love

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
not much into celebrities

37. Who did you miss?
ashley, kelley, cynth, kevin, sarah, jenn... friends in general.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
hmmm... tanya maybe? can't think of many new people i've met that i've stayed in touch with haha

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
God is in control of everything and he loves me and has a plan for my life. (Altho I'm still trying to learn that one :-P )

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Morning by morning I wake up to find, the power and comfort of God's hand in mine, season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways. All I have needed his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me"
"I feel rain falling right out of the blue sky, and its the 5th of may, and i'm right here staring in your eyes, and nothing's changed, and we're still the same"

hooray a new year!

The story of my life the past few months

2007-12-09T20:35:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months God's providence has been so evident in the life of my family.

Back over the summer my parents found a house in West Virginia, it was nice, great location and an amazing low price. They decided against looking any more into it though because they didn't think it was time.

Towards the end of the summer, they suddenly decided to pull all of my siblings out of the church's school and homeschool them.

Then, at the end of the summer, they ran across this house once again. It was still on the market, which was amazing due to how cheap it was. My dad decided to put an offer on it just to see what would happen. He offered them about $80,000 less than they were asking. Soon enough, we found out that they had accepted!

Approximately in that same week, also around the first week of school, Josh and I both unexpectedly got full scholarships for the year.

Then soon enough it was final! They settled on the house, and we were making plans to move. Josh and I stayed here while everyone else moved to West Virginia.

My family moved the week before Thanksgiving. Josh and I are staying here with our grandparents, still settling into the quiet life at home.

Looking back, I find it amazing how everything fit in perfectly. My parents pulled the kids out of school right before they found the house again. If the kids had stayed in the school, they wouldn't have been able to make the decision to move so easily. It also provided extra money they weren't paying in tuition. The scholarships Josh and I got came right in time for us to switch to paying bills.

Now they are gone, finally owning a house again. God works in a mysterious way, and in the end, he does work for the good! I'm excited to see what is to come.

Ephesians 1:7-23

2007-10-02T17:47:00.000-04:00

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

Thanksgiving and Prayer

For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, the hope to which he has called you, what are having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might seated him at his right handthat he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.

The Cry From the Cross

2007-09-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

So I listened to a message today in the car by CJ called The Cry From the Cross. It was from a midwest or south Celebration conference in 1997. It was so good. I was almost in tears at certain parts of the message.

First of all, CJ's passion alone in talking on this subject is incredible. I wish I could have that kind of passion. It inspires me just to hear him speak on topics like this, and how easily he is moved to tears. It is so apparent how much he loves his Savior, and is in awe of His holiness and love and mercy on our lives.

The message itself was outstanding. CJ went into the cries from the cross, and how Jesus rarely spoke. As the crowd shouted for him to save himself and bring himself down from the cross, he did nothing. He could have brought himself down at any time. He could have chosen to stop with the torture, and let us suffer the wrath we deserve, but the fact is, he didn't. He suffered the full wrath of God in our place. His only cry from the cross that was not grace-filled said, God why have you forsaken me? He is the only person ever to have experienced full separation from God. We will never have to experience that by God's grace.

CJ also went into the trial that Jesus went thru. Jesus never spoke up during this trial, he never protested about how he was innocent, even tho he was the most innocent there. The crowd yelled out to crucify him crucify him... but why? What had he done? CJ reminded us to not look down upon the crowd in that moment... because we are right there with them. They were envious of Jesus' "perfection" and popularity. They just wanted him dead. And we would have been yelling out to crucify him as well. And who to take Jesus' place and live? The worst criminal in the cells, Barabbas. We wanted him instead.

Back then, flogging took place before a crucifixion, and the only limit on how many flogs one would get would depend upon the strength and endurance of the soldiers. Many didn't even make it to the cross because they died during the flogging. Jesus endured the flogging, and the crown of thorns as the crowd mocked him.

The biggest thing from this message was that at any moment, Jesus could have stopped everything, but he didn't. Instead he suffered the full wrath of God, and the worst way to die, all for us - the sinful creatures who hung him there, who mocked him, rejected him, spat at him, flogged him, and killed him. A quote mentioned in the message said that we carry his nails around in our pockets everywhere we go... and when we pull our hands out, they are covered in his blood.

Jesus made several cries from the cross, and only one was not full of grace. The few words he cried out were full of pain, as his Father had turned away his face, and he was completely alone. My God my God why have you forsaken me? are words only uttered by the damned.

CJ bases his whole message on this phrase. In these few words, we see ultimate love, ultimate sacrifice for those who deserve nothing but damnation.

I strongly encourage everyone to listen to this message and his second message on this topic which was done during the Passion series. Both are so rich.

(Sorry this is really jumbled, couldn't get my thoughts clear and together, plus i wrote this over a period of two days, and the second day i listened to CJ's second version of this message which was done during the Passion series so some of this is from that message.)

verses and thoughts

2007-08-07T23:49:00.000-04:00

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you." ~Isaiah 54:10

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord." ~Jeremiah 29:11-14

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,'
your love, O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul." ~Psalm 94:18-19

"Though the fig tree does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to do on the heights." - Habakkuk 3:17-19

I have so much faith for my future. Why? Because I know that God is in supreme control over it. Even when the fig tree is not budding and there aren't any grapes on the vine, and it may be easy to think that God isn't providing, he is. That was all in his plan as well, and he wants it to be used to learn from and trust in Him.

God is unchangeable. That never ceases to amaze me. No matter what happens, he continues to love me, and even adore me. I really can't understand why, because I am such a sinful person, but that only makes God so much bigger to me! It only makes me want to know him and try to understand him more! It makes me can't wait to meet him someday. I am up and down and dependent on my feelings, but God isn't. God is love. He loves me and he hates sin. I only wish I wasn't so lazy, arrogant and selfish by trying to take away God's glory and give it to myself. Or by not having my quiet times. Why wouldn't I want to spend as much time as possible with the King of the universe who is also my loving Father? I am endlessly stupid. (surprise surprise?)

Spurgeon says, "If you sow in hope, you will reap in joy. Therefore, 'be strong and very courageous'."

May I be sowing in hope, recognizing that God is in control of everything, whether that be work, school, relationships, finances, family stuff, or anything under the sun. He is there, he knew about it long before it was to occur and had a plan laid out for how it would happen. Not trusting in him that his plan is right is just the arrogance of us stupid humans. May I sow in hope, so that I can reap joy in my Savior.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act." - Psalm 37:4-5

life as i know it

2007-05-08T02:19:00.000-04:00

so what i should be doing right now is either sleeping or writing a paper. however, because i am wide awake, yet too distracted to write anything logical or coherent on the harlem renaissance, i decided to look up this old blog and see if it still existed. it did in fact, i just had to find the password.

school is almost over for this year. i have two exams and two papers left. i think that adds up to five somehow.

tomorrow my caregroup is going to a baseball game, but i don't think i'll go. dont particularly want to, and dont have time at all.

after school ends, i dont know what my life will look like. i will most likely dive head first into work and try to keep myself occupied with that. altho that place is getting more and more boring as the season ends and i am running out of things to do, however some stuff we have been saving for when i get out of school so i'll have more to do soon, hopefully.

my parents have also been encouraging me to find more places to serve in the church, so i've been giving that some thought as to where i would like to serve. i've considered going back to imag, as that was fun and i enjoyed that a lot, or possibly back to childrens ministry or being a champion, not sure about getting up that early every sunday tho :-P i'm not sure what else there is altho i'm sure there are lots of ways i could serve i just havent looked into it yet. they also have brought up me going to mexico (like this june) haha... i don't think that will really work...

ok, well i need to be heading to bed. i have to work at some point tomorrow, and as i said, lots of papers and tests to study for and write. maybe its time for a trip to panera or something to work. hopefully less distraction

2005-12-04T19:57:00.000-05:00

right now i really should be studying for some tests this week but i can't, so i'm just wasting time on this thing i never get on otherwise. i've been working all day... omg which reminds me, i have to do a bibliography.. oops. oh well it'll take like 2 seconds.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why am i excited you say?

Because I'm going to pick up Cynthia from school for Christmas break!!!!!!!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yup... Brett, Jeff and I are going down, and maybe Sarah, we're not sure yet, on December 15th right after my last exam. which probably means i'll be able to sing at the Australian Embassy after all.

oh crap i just realized i have to write a paper on the show i saw last week... argh...
eh... it'll take like 2 seconds too. i've already finished my works cited in the time it's taken to write this entry.

oh my... ::sigh::

okie leaving.

2005-09-02T16:20:00.000-04:00

hi... haven't been on here in awhile!

scripture and finishing the year STRONG

2005-05-11T13:55:00.000-04:00

It's end of the school year. I don't think i've ever been this sad about school ending. With graduation in June, and close friends moving away in august, it's time to trust in God. I'm excited about graduating, but also, i'd also really like it to have more than just 3 weeks left of school and 5 weeks until graduation. :)

anyway....
scriptures to meditate on:

Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 94:18-19
When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
your love, O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Psalm 13:6
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me. ("Bronsonian bold")

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

2005-04-24T19:45:00.000-04:00

hello blog. i'm here. the fun has arrived!

Infinite Love Holds Me

2011...

the ups and downs of friendship

2010 summed up in a dumb survey.

psalm 23

love.

"let the little children come to me"

fear

psalm 37:4

matt 27.51-54

10 Resolutions For Mental Health

Reports on Snow Catastrophes

Jason Castro

Is God Really In Control?

a trip to philly with jenn and gerre.

2009 in photos

A little late but here it is... 2009.

Winter Storm 2009

Bodies Without Faces (Women’s Fight for Equality in Media)

Fireball on aisle 5

halloween

Michael Jackson - This Is It

fire on Aisle 5

The Last Words of David by Randall Thompson

a typical night on aisle 5.

Is God Really In Control?

camp goodnight song

Reid Lewis Jones

camp

camp

Psalm 18

hangin with sisters

sleep study

Thunderstorm in a field

Remembering Grandpa

favorite hymn

The Altar

Striving After God

whats going on these days

"but he gave them no answer"

end of the year survey

twilight. yes i saw it. even tho i swore i wouldn't

a profile of a domestic abuser

"I can no longer live by thinking"

YOU GO GIRL!!!

In Six Troubles

God is good.

.the past.

she is the best

.pet peeves.

.scarlet fever.

as long as you are glorified

.proverbs3:5.

true humility

things i do.

Get Serious.

.psalm139.

oh yes.

a testimony of truth

...genesis 1-2:2...

you have now entered...... the twilight zone...

*points from na*

jeremiah 15.16

.love.

classic.

i'm learning...

lies from the box

the neverending competition to be cool

my daily prayer...

we live in a backwards world

m'blah.

Life in the fast lane

In the words of one of my favorite authors....

A Promise of Future Grace

Defining the Gospel

the annual survey

The story of my life the past few months

Ephesians 1:7-23

Thanksgiving and Prayer

The Cry From the Cross

points from na