All is Calm, All is Bright

Some might say that going thru a year such as this is would be the worst in their life. Maybe it has been. I feel like I've said that a few times in the past, and I may say it again in the future... but let's hope not. It may have been the worst in some ways.... but in other ways it was the most freeing. I may look back on this year with some terrible memories, but I also am choosing to look back on it and see the good.

Sitting here this December, as everything is so very different from last December, I'm listening to some Christmas music but not totally in a Christmas mood. As the year comes to an end, I have much to be thankful for. I also have much I'm still processing, and I'm shocked it's already the end of the year. People always say the years fly by, and they do... I'm sort of glad this year seems to have flown. 

This has been a year of turmoil for me, but despite the turmoil I have come out on top, stronger and more alive. It's been a year of unrest, yet finding peace. A year of being betrayed, but becoming empowered. A year of learning who real friends are; making strangers of friends, and friends out of strangers; yet learning how to spend time by myself. A year of taking risks, and being independent. A year of being knocked down, but learning how to stand up for myself. A year of faking it til I make it. A year of sometimes just trying to do the basics in order to survive another day, but more often taking strides to create a better future for myself. 

It's been a year of being a little more selfish, but building self-respect. This year I've been a little more angry at times, yet also gained so much more love and compassion for others in this world. I've set aside so many of the constraints I grew up with, and haven't given a damn about it, even if others have. 

In my lonely moments, I've learned more about myself. I've cried hard but laughed harder. 

This year started off cloudy, even in the opening hours of the new year. But as I sit here in the calm of this December, that weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm looking forward to whatever I make of my future. It's unknown right now, but it's already looking bright.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone

the act of being vulnerable

"i will provide a safe harbor... you need a place to fall apart. i will be that place." 

like i've said before, my experience in the church i grew up in was mostly good while i was there. however as i've gotten older, i've figured out that some of the things taught or the way things were done were actually very damaging. vulnerability for example. there was no safe place to be vulnerable there. you had to keep your act together, and if someone were to fall apart, then people didn't know how to handle it, or they weren't trusting god enough. 

in caregroup there was only acceptable sounding sins being shared - "i'm struggling with trusting in god for my future" or "i need faith to get thru my semester"..... legit problems.... but so vague and probably not always what needed to be said. there was no safe place to admit to bigger problems without fear that you or your family would be disgraced. there was no room to be vulnerable and feel pain. it was unsafe. 

so here i am as a 27 year old, unable to express pain without fear of being shamed for it, blamed for it, or dismissed. telling myself that i'm not allowed to admit i need help because i don't want people to think i don't have my life together. deciding that i'm just going to figure out life on my own because i don't want to bother people or receive some sort of fake sincere response from them. 

i think being brought up in a world where no one was allowed to admit their real problems (unless they were church royalty and within certain boundaries), caused people to not only have to hide their vulnerability, but it also gave people absolutely no training for dealing with other people's real world problems! instead of walking alongside someone who is hurting, people just walk away, telling themselves, that's not my problem. instead of holding someone while they cry, they just tell them that they are praying for them (which, let's be real, they probably aren't). and even if they are saying right now - tell me what's wrong! - how can you trust that when for years you were conditioned that vulnerability meant shame? 

so where do you turn when you feel your tiny world of people has either turned their back on you or doesn't allow you to feel weak or they are all just a clusterfuck themselves? drugs? alcohol? dangerous behavior? inward? 

i think it's easier just to turn inward and beat yourself up over your pain, and tell yourself that you will deal with this on your own. the problem is, this isn't how we were made to process things. we were created to need other people. we were made to desire the comfort from others, and feel their support in both good times and bad. being alone may feel good for right now.... but in the long run, having support from friends is really much better. when i'm old, i want to have my people by my side. i want them to trust being vulnerable with me as i want to be vulnerable with them. 

be vulnerable people! let people see your dark and twisty side! and people - allow people to be vulnerable with you! it might be scary. it might feel overwhelming at times. it might not be someone you feel vulnerable with..... let them be vulnerable. it's ok to be weak. it's ok to need help. the fact that they have allowed themselves to become vulnerable with you is a huge step - take it in stride. don't run. check in on them. be a safe place. 

when your friend is dark and twisty

forewarning: this is a rambling post of thoughts, it may not be completely coherent, but it is what it is. 

your life is falling apart. the dreams you had are now cloudy. the plans you had no longer exist. 

we've all been there before in some way or another. and we've all had people say insensitive or unhelpful things. you know they mean well, but often it ends up being useless or even causes more pain. things like, "you're going to get thru this" or "you're going to be ok" or "you deserve better than that" or "you need to just move on/get over it". if none of that, they just disappear, stop contacting you, stop answering your texts or emails, and seemingly stop caring. 

what happened to compassion? what happened to weeping with those who weep? why demand perfection from someone before you offer them help or compassion? isn't that when they need it the most? 

the best example of this is when jesus wept. it's as simple as that, he wept. he saw his friend in pain that her brother had died and despite the fact that he KNEW he was about to raise the man from the dead, he wept. he knew everything was going to be ok and yet still, he wept. 

mary was like so many of us have been like at some point in our lives - laying on the floor weeping and saying angrily, "jesus where were you when i needed you?" How many times have I asked the same question? yet jesus's answer is only compassion. he wept for her. 

jesus weeps with those who weep. He weeps for his hurt people. He weeps for his broken church.

Jesus never expects us to be able to hold ourselves together when our lives are falling apart. his people should expect the same. jesus comes down to your level when you are on the floor in so much pain you can't get up. his people should do the same. 

when your friend is in the dark and twisty place, weep with them. be there for them. listen to them. bring them a coffee, or a bottle of tequila. take them out to dinner. give them space, but let them know you are available if they need you. 

don't ask a lot of questions without their permission and assure them they don't have to answer, don't demand anything from them, or chastise them for not doing something, don't tell them to go to church or build a relationship with god, don't tell them they are better off without whatever they are lacking. just don't talk at them. there are stages of grief and loss and when they are at their darkest and twistiest, they need to just cope. no advice, no fix it solutions, just someone to listen. let's face it, they are at their wit's end already, they don't need any added pressure other than the simple things in life that may already be overwhelming for them. 

i've had people in my life who excelled at this, who held me as i sobbed, who let me just vent everything, who checked on me and who grieved with me and let me grieve. 

then i've had others who chastised me for not going to church, or who only offered advice, who simply stopped responding to pleas for help, or who seemed to just be prying for information. it's hard to be a friend to someone in the dark place, i understand that, i've been there and i've done it poorly at times. i understand that. 

be a friend. be compassionate. weep with those who weep. 

if you are in the dark place, it's ok to just not be ok for awhile. stay there for awhile. we'll be here for you. 

Ivory Tower of Babel

The events of the past few weeks in Baltimore have been incredibly disturbing to me and what's more disturbing (yet sadly not surprising) is the response that I have seen from people I am friends with on Facebook. The response I've seen has been mostly ignorant, hateful, racist, and generalized comments that have only confirmed to the black community that white people or in general people of privilege don't give a shit what's going on in their world. That they only care when it affects them. 

So how does this compare to the topic of conversation in my last few posts?  Well actually I think they are quite similar. The culture that I grew up in drilled into our heads that we needed to conform and be exactly how they wanted us to be. We needed to follow the example set by the pastors, or pastors' kids. We needed to dress like them, we needed to act like them, we needed to get up at 5 am and have our quiet time every morning, and if we didn't comply to these things we were in sin. We were dissenting, we were divisive, we were trying to break down the walls that the pastors had said were there for safety reasons, yet were really there to control people. If we didn't comply and instead fought back when leaders try to force us to comply we were shut out and shunned, excommunicated and ignored. 

So how do you think someone who came from a different background felt when they came into an environment that hurt people this way and didn't care about where they came? How do you think they felt when they were told that they were in sin because they wore the wrong kind of clothes or because they said the wrong kinds of things even when that was a completely normal thing in their life outside of church or before coming to this church? How do you think they felt when they came from an environment where adults could not be trusted to a place where they were told that they needed to trust all adults around them with no questions asked? The culture I grew up in did not have elasticity. It did not make room for people who were different from them. It was a place where people were taught they were better than others, and that they should be proud of that. 

Therefore it became a judgmental environment where people were told they needed to follow the rules or leave they needed to conform or they would be shunned. For children in this environment it was incredibly dangerous and for adults, frustrating unless they were  completely sucked into it. 

That is the similarity between the church I grew up in and the events surrounding Baltimore. It's easy to look down on people who are different than you and judge them for acting the way they do because you know nothing of it. While church leaders may create a small cultish atmosphere to oppress, the world also creates a larger atmosphere to oppress large groups of people and look down on them for being who they are.

It is what I have heard described as cult privilege; it blinds and creates a monster in people, both leaders and congregants. It destroys lives, breaks trust and ruins faith. It is not who Jesus proclaimed himself to be. 

Christians - you are no better than people in other churches, and thinking that only makes you worse. 

White/Privileged people - you are no better than blacks, asians, indians, native americans, hispanics, purple people, whoever. Don't think for one second you have the right to speak over their lives as if you have any idea what they have lived. If you can't take a walk in their shoes, just keep your mouth shut. The only thing that should come out if you decide to open it is support or questions to actually learn. Listen to what others are saying and actually hear them. 

If you place yourself in an ivory tower of Babel, it will come crumbling down.

What is a cult?

I feel the need to clarify my last post with a few comments and definitions....


I know some people read my last post and scoffed - or maybe didn't even read it. They may truly believe that CLC wasn't a cult. Ok, that's fine. I've wondered the same thing. If anything, it has some very cult like tendencies. It's hard to think of yourself as having been in a cult. Some people aren't ready for that yet. However, it's hard to look at the characteristics of a cult and say that wasn't what the experience was like at CLC, or SGM in general. You may be able to reconcile it with thinking the hearts of the leaders or congregation were in the right place.... maybe they were. I don't really think they were, but that's a different story for another time.

Let me clarify one thing, most of my experience there was positive at the time and I'm grateful for a lot of it. It was only once I got older and learned more about back stories of why things happened, and heard stories of abuse from people close to me - suddenly, things made sense. My story may be mostly pleasant, but I recognize that was not everyone's experience. Realizing the place I grew up in was not pleasant for everyone, and coming to grips with the harmful teaching there has been difficult for me. It means rethinking everything I was ever taught. Adjusting every belief drilled into my head from a young age. When I think about the way my husband was treated there, it often brings me to tears. And some of these people will never realize the damage they have done to others, and even if they do, they will justify it in the name of God. I don't write as someone who has experienced direct abuse - but as someone who sees the abuse and wants to open a conversation and make a safe place for those who have experienced this trauma. 

I'd encourage anyone reading to reach out in compassion to people who may have disappeared over the years, or to people who have admitted they were mistreated. Ask them about it - they might not be willing to share everything. But be willing to hear, be willing to show compassion, and don't try to give excuses. There aren't any. Jesus condemned the pharisees and told his followers not to be like them. 

The following are characteristics of a cult written by Dr Robert Lifton. Read and decide for yourself. I think the similarities are clear. For background, Dr Lifton is a psychiatrist who studied genocide, American POWs during the Korean war and the theories surrounding brainwashing along with many other things. My comments are bolded. 

First, a checklist of the characteristics of a cult:
 http://www.csj.org/infoserv_cult101/checklis.htm  

Take a look and see what applies. 

Dr. Robert Lifton's 8 Criteria for Thought Reform 

1. Milieu Control. This involves the control of information and communication both within the environment and, ultimately, within the individual, resulting in a significant degree of isolation from society at large. (public school is evil, homeschooling is best, no friends outside church allowed, no visiting any non sgm churches, no going to college where there isn't an sgm church....)


2. Mystical Manipulation. There is manipulation of experiences that appear spontaneous but in fact were planned and orchestrated by the group or its leaders in order to demonstrate divine authority or spiritual advancement or some special gift or talent that will then allow the leader to reinterpret events, scripture, and experiences as he or she wishes. (So called "prophetic" songs, ministry nights)


3. Demand for Purity. The world is viewed as black and white and the members are constantly exhorted to conform to the ideology of the group and strive for perfection. The induction of guilt and/or shame is a powerful control device used here. (Modesty checklist... must i go any further?)


4. Confession. Sins, as defined by the group, are to be confessed either to a personal monitor or publicly to the group. There is no confidentiality; members' "sins," "attitudes," and "faults" are discussed and exploited by the leaders. (Ever been to a caregroup meeting? Or heard the phrase - so and so needs prayer. she's not doing well. if you don't share, you're in sin)


5. Sacred Science. The group's doctrine or ideology is considered to be the ultimate Truth, beyond all questioning or dispute. Truth is not to be found outside the group. The leader, as the spokesperson for God or for all humanity, is likewise above criticism. (I was told not to read books that were not found in the CLC bookstore because the pastors couldn't be sure it was safe for me to read)


6. Loading the Language. The group interprets or uses words and phrases in new ways so that often the outside world does not understand. This jargon consists of thought-terminating clichés, which serve to alter members' thought processes to conform to the group's way of thinking. (What evidences of grace to do you see in so and so's life? I am better than I deserve! I'm just here to serve)


7. Doctrine over person. Member's personal experiences are subordinated to the sacred science and any contrary experiences must be denied or reinterpreted to fit the ideology of the group. (I remember times when people felt like God was speaking to them, but they were written off because they weren't pastor approved)

8. Dispensing of existence. The group has the prerogative to decide who has the right to exist and who does not. This is usually not literal but means that those in the outside world are not saved, unenlightened, unconscious and they must be converted to the group's ideology. If they do not join the group or are critical of the group, then they must be rejected by the members. Thus, the outside world loses all credibility. In conjunction, should any member leave the group, he or she must be rejected also. (If you question the pastors, you are shunned, divisive, and kicked out, oh and to pour salt in the wound we will contact whatever church you switch to and tell them all of your sins and that you are unsubmissive to pastoral authority)

(http://www.csj.org/studyindex/studymindctr/study_mindctr_lifton.htm)

Now is it not a cult?

Jesus came to save, not to condemn. 

Friends, be free. 

Similar readings if interested:
https://carm.org/signs-practices-of-a-cult
http://andynaselli.com/sociological-characteristics-of-cults
http://leadingsmart.com/leadingsmart/2014/8/mark-driscoll-and-other-narcissistic-pastors

i grew up in a cult

*****disclaimer: i do not claim to be a writer. i'm not a good one. i needed a place to vent the many emotions and thoughts going on in my head. this is more of a brain dump than anything. Any comments saying this is gossip and slander will swiftly be deleted. Any uncompassionate comments towards victims will not be tolerated. If you feel the need to unfriend me due to my opinions, be my guest, your loss, not mine. I will not apologize for my opinions, but if you think they shouldn't be so bold, just be aware that getting them out of my head is therapeutic. I am willing to share more of my story if you ask.******




Those words have never actually come out of my mouth. The statement is difficult to believe, and even harder to say out loud.

Several recent things in my life have me thinking about this a lot. From the lighter side of life, like watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and laughing at the humor or feeling awkward about the things I might have experienced in life as well, to the sheer anger and fear of running into a certain person in the grocery store or having to interact with someone who stands on the other side of the line when the cult fell apart.

The line was slowly drawn in the sand over the course of many years, first lightly and anonymously. It almost wasn't seen. People tread lightly across the line without trying to leave a trace of a footprint.  Then suddenly the line was drawn boldly. It was deep and sand was pushed up to form dark crevices. Voices were no longer anonymous, they were loud and heard by thousands. Many took the jump to the other side of the line. Others stayed put. Some just ran away, afraid to decide what side of the line they were going to choose. A few straddled the line, trying to agree with both sides.

The line is now a canyon. It has little hills and ridges where small groups of people live who may agree partially with one side and somewhat with the other. The canyon is filled with the blood of lives destroyed and lives taken. Sometimes people from either side slip and fall into the canyon. Others are climbing up the sides, trying to save themselves from the pit of despair and pain. Moaning and crying comes from both sides of the canyon. Former friends look at each other from across the canyon, unclear as to how they ended up on opposite sides. Family members, forever split, never to enjoy a peaceful holiday dinner again. "How do they not see my pain?" they both wonder of each other. "How can they not see my view from where I am standing?" Both think their view is the best, and cannot understand why their friend or family member would choose the other side.


A cult causes blindness. It is manipulative.

 On one side of the canyon, you have those who believe they were never a part of a cult. That their fantasy land was destroyed by questions, and "gossip and slander". The leaders of this land are charismatic and have big personalities. They sing loud songs and make people cry with happiness. They claim to love this dear land - it is the dearest land in all of the earth. How could anyone not love this leader who makes this land so great? This leader makes us feel happy and alive and popular!

On the other side of the canyon you have those who have experienced deep pain and loss because, unlike those on the other side of the canyon, they have seen the shadows in the land. They have been shunned and lied about by the leaders. They were kicked across the line before it was a canyon. They have scars where they have been abused. They have been mocked and scorned.


I grew up in a cult.

It didn't seem like a cult when I was there. It felt like home. There were times I was there every day of the week, there was always something to do. I thought to myself, "why would I live anywhere but here?"

Then, like a wrecking ball, reality struck. The pain I experienced as a child was not just something everyone experienced, it was directly caused by abuse in leadership. The honored leaders were not who they acted like. They manipulated people, they abused people, they mistreated people, they lied, cheated and stole. People started raising questions - no longer afraid of being deemed "divisive" or "not submissive to authority". Puzzle pieces put together, the line in the sand dug a little deeper.


This quote, and a similar one, have been ringing in my head this week.

Silence in the face of evil is evil itself.

Silence in the face of oppressive, abusive leadership is evil itself.

Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.

Not to hear out your friend/family member's story of abuse that they are willing to share with you is to side with evil. To side with the oppressors. To tell them their story of trauma is false, irrelevant, or invalid.

Would you do the same to a rape victim? To a war veteran with PTSD? To a victim of racism? To a child who says a man touched them? "I'm sorry, I don't want to hear your story of how you have been abused because it upsets me and my feelings are much more important than yours". (That's absurd.... but pretty much exactly what I've heard.)

Where is the compassion? Does compassion not need to be shown when you don't want to hear their story? Is compassion irrelevant when a story of trauma involves someone you may know?

I'm still not sure why anyone would willingly choose the side of the oppressors. Trauma is real. It exists and it is what I have been through, and what many close to me have been through. It destroys lives. If the oppressors are abusing in the name of God - they are falsifying the work of the Lord, and destroying one's view of God.

I stand on the side of those abused and hurt by the church. I stand with those willing to fight for justice. I stand against the oppressors, against the leaders who run away from accountability and then play the victim. I stand with open arms and open ears to hear, to validate and to show compassion. I stand ready to hear an apology if it ever comes - but hoping to one day forgive the oppressors regardless.

To Covenant Life and Sovereign Grace Ministries: You have ruined many lives. One day you will stand before your Maker and account for the sheep you yourself have called "incurable" and have tossed aside. I don't believe it will be a proud moment for you.


Matthew 7
15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

this psalm becomes so much more real when being recited by my clients.