the act of being vulnerable

"i will provide a safe harbor... you need a place to fall apart. i will be that place." 

like i've said before, my experience in the church i grew up in was mostly good while i was there. however as i've gotten older, i've figured out that some of the things taught or the way things were done were actually very damaging. vulnerability for example. there was no safe place to be vulnerable there. you had to keep your act together, and if someone were to fall apart, then people didn't know how to handle it, or they weren't trusting god enough. 

in caregroup there was only acceptable sounding sins being shared - "i'm struggling with trusting in god for my future" or "i need faith to get thru my semester"..... legit problems.... but so vague and probably not always what needed to be said. there was no safe place to admit to bigger problems without fear that you or your family would be disgraced. there was no room to be vulnerable and feel pain. it was unsafe. 

so here i am as a 27 year old, unable to express pain without fear of being shamed for it, blamed for it, or dismissed. telling myself that i'm not allowed to admit i need help because i don't want people to think i don't have my life together. deciding that i'm just going to figure out life on my own because i don't want to bother people or receive some sort of fake sincere response from them. 

i think being brought up in a world where no one was allowed to admit their real problems (unless they were church royalty and within certain boundaries), caused people to not only have to hide their vulnerability, but it also gave people absolutely no training for dealing with other people's real world problems! instead of walking alongside someone who is hurting, people just walk away, telling themselves, that's not my problem. instead of holding someone while they cry, they just tell them that they are praying for them (which, let's be real, they probably aren't). and even if they are saying right now - tell me what's wrong! - how can you trust that when for years you were conditioned that vulnerability meant shame? 

so where do you turn when you feel your tiny world of people has either turned their back on you or doesn't allow you to feel weak or they are all just a clusterfuck themselves? drugs? alcohol? dangerous behavior? inward? 

i think it's easier just to turn inward and beat yourself up over your pain, and tell yourself that you will deal with this on your own. the problem is, this isn't how we were made to process things. we were created to need other people. we were made to desire the comfort from others, and feel their support in both good times and bad. being alone may feel good for right now.... but in the long run, having support from friends is really much better. when i'm old, i want to have my people by my side. i want them to trust being vulnerable with me as i want to be vulnerable with them. 

be vulnerable people! let people see your dark and twisty side! and people - allow people to be vulnerable with you! it might be scary. it might feel overwhelming at times. it might not be someone you feel vulnerable with..... let them be vulnerable. it's ok to be weak. it's ok to need help. the fact that they have allowed themselves to become vulnerable with you is a huge step - take it in stride. don't run. check in on them. be a safe place. 

when your friend is dark and twisty

forewarning: this is a rambling post of thoughts, it may not be completely coherent, but it is what it is. 

your life is falling apart. the dreams you had are now cloudy. the plans you had no longer exist. 

we've all been there before in some way or another. and we've all had people say insensitive or unhelpful things. you know they mean well, but often it ends up being useless or even causes more pain. things like, "you're going to get thru this" or "you're going to be ok" or "you deserve better than that" or "you need to just move on/get over it". if none of that, they just disappear, stop contacting you, stop answering your texts or emails, and seemingly stop caring. 

what happened to compassion? what happened to weeping with those who weep? why demand perfection from someone before you offer them help or compassion? isn't that when they need it the most? 

the best example of this is when jesus wept. it's as simple as that, he wept. he saw his friend in pain that her brother had died and despite the fact that he KNEW he was about to raise the man from the dead, he wept. he knew everything was going to be ok and yet still, he wept. 

mary was like so many of us have been like at some point in our lives - laying on the floor weeping and saying angrily, "jesus where were you when i needed you?" How many times have I asked the same question? yet jesus's answer is only compassion. he wept for her. 

jesus weeps with those who weep. He weeps for his hurt people. He weeps for his broken church.

Jesus never expects us to be able to hold ourselves together when our lives are falling apart. his people should expect the same. jesus comes down to your level when you are on the floor in so much pain you can't get up. his people should do the same. 

when your friend is in the dark and twisty place, weep with them. be there for them. listen to them. bring them a coffee, or a bottle of tequila. take them out to dinner. give them space, but let them know you are available if they need you. 

don't ask a lot of questions without their permission and assure them they don't have to answer, don't demand anything from them, or chastise them for not doing something, don't tell them to go to church or build a relationship with god, don't tell them they are better off without whatever they are lacking. just don't talk at them. there are stages of grief and loss and when they are at their darkest and twistiest, they need to just cope. no advice, no fix it solutions, just someone to listen. let's face it, they are at their wit's end already, they don't need any added pressure other than the simple things in life that may already be overwhelming for them. 

i've had people in my life who excelled at this, who held me as i sobbed, who let me just vent everything, who checked on me and who grieved with me and let me grieve. 

then i've had others who chastised me for not going to church, or who only offered advice, who simply stopped responding to pleas for help, or who seemed to just be prying for information. it's hard to be a friend to someone in the dark place, i understand that, i've been there and i've done it poorly at times. i understand that. 

be a friend. be compassionate. weep with those who weep. 

if you are in the dark place, it's ok to just not be ok for awhile. stay there for awhile. we'll be here for you. 

Ivory Tower of Babel

The events of the past few weeks in Baltimore have been incredibly disturbing to me and what's more disturbing (yet sadly not surprising) is the response that I have seen from people I am friends with on Facebook. The response I've seen has been mostly ignorant, hateful, racist, and generalized comments that have only confirmed to the black community that white people or in general people of privilege don't give a shit what's going on in their world. That they only care when it affects them. 

So how does this compare to the topic of conversation in my last few posts?  Well actually I think they are quite similar. The culture that I grew up in drilled into our heads that we needed to conform and be exactly how they wanted us to be. We needed to follow the example set by the pastors, or pastors' kids. We needed to dress like them, we needed to act like them, we needed to get up at 5 am and have our quiet time every morning, and if we didn't comply to these things we were in sin. We were dissenting, we were divisive, we were trying to break down the walls that the pastors had said were there for safety reasons, yet were really there to control people. If we didn't comply and instead fought back when leaders try to force us to comply we were shut out and shunned, excommunicated and ignored. 

So how do you think someone who came from a different background felt when they came into an environment that hurt people this way and didn't care about where they came? How do you think they felt when they were told that they were in sin because they wore the wrong kind of clothes or because they said the wrong kinds of things even when that was a completely normal thing in their life outside of church or before coming to this church? How do you think they felt when they came from an environment where adults could not be trusted to a place where they were told that they needed to trust all adults around them with no questions asked? The culture I grew up in did not have elasticity. It did not make room for people who were different from them. It was a place where people were taught they were better than others, and that they should be proud of that. 

Therefore it became a judgmental environment where people were told they needed to follow the rules or leave they needed to conform or they would be shunned. For children in this environment it was incredibly dangerous and for adults, frustrating unless they were  completely sucked into it. 

That is the similarity between the church I grew up in and the events surrounding Baltimore. It's easy to look down on people who are different than you and judge them for acting the way they do because you know nothing of it. While church leaders may create a small cultish atmosphere to oppress, the world also creates a larger atmosphere to oppress large groups of people and look down on them for being who they are.

It is what I have heard described as cult privilege; it blinds and creates a monster in people, both leaders and congregants. It destroys lives, breaks trust and ruins faith. It is not who Jesus proclaimed himself to be. 

Christians - you are no better than people in other churches, and thinking that only makes you worse. 

White/Privileged people - you are no better than blacks, asians, indians, native americans, hispanics, purple people, whoever. Don't think for one second you have the right to speak over their lives as if you have any idea what they have lived. If you can't take a walk in their shoes, just keep your mouth shut. The only thing that should come out if you decide to open it is support or questions to actually learn. Listen to what others are saying and actually hear them. 

If you place yourself in an ivory tower of Babel, it will come crumbling down.