i grew up in a cult

*****disclaimer: i do not claim to be a writer. i'm not a good one. i needed a place to vent the many emotions and thoughts going on in my head. this is more of a brain dump than anything. Any comments saying this is gossip and slander will swiftly be deleted. Any uncompassionate comments towards victims will not be tolerated. If you feel the need to unfriend me due to my opinions, be my guest, your loss, not mine. I will not apologize for my opinions, but if you think they shouldn't be so bold, just be aware that getting them out of my head is therapeutic. I am willing to share more of my story if you ask.******




Those words have never actually come out of my mouth. The statement is difficult to believe, and even harder to say out loud.

Several recent things in my life have me thinking about this a lot. From the lighter side of life, like watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and laughing at the humor or feeling awkward about the things I might have experienced in life as well, to the sheer anger and fear of running into a certain person in the grocery store or having to interact with someone who stands on the other side of the line when the cult fell apart.

The line was slowly drawn in the sand over the course of many years, first lightly and anonymously. It almost wasn't seen. People tread lightly across the line without trying to leave a trace of a footprint.  Then suddenly the line was drawn boldly. It was deep and sand was pushed up to form dark crevices. Voices were no longer anonymous, they were loud and heard by thousands. Many took the jump to the other side of the line. Others stayed put. Some just ran away, afraid to decide what side of the line they were going to choose. A few straddled the line, trying to agree with both sides.

The line is now a canyon. It has little hills and ridges where small groups of people live who may agree partially with one side and somewhat with the other. The canyon is filled with the blood of lives destroyed and lives taken. Sometimes people from either side slip and fall into the canyon. Others are climbing up the sides, trying to save themselves from the pit of despair and pain. Moaning and crying comes from both sides of the canyon. Former friends look at each other from across the canyon, unclear as to how they ended up on opposite sides. Family members, forever split, never to enjoy a peaceful holiday dinner again. "How do they not see my pain?" they both wonder of each other. "How can they not see my view from where I am standing?" Both think their view is the best, and cannot understand why their friend or family member would choose the other side.


A cult causes blindness. It is manipulative.

 On one side of the canyon, you have those who believe they were never a part of a cult. That their fantasy land was destroyed by questions, and "gossip and slander". The leaders of this land are charismatic and have big personalities. They sing loud songs and make people cry with happiness. They claim to love this dear land - it is the dearest land in all of the earth. How could anyone not love this leader who makes this land so great? This leader makes us feel happy and alive and popular!

On the other side of the canyon you have those who have experienced deep pain and loss because, unlike those on the other side of the canyon, they have seen the shadows in the land. They have been shunned and lied about by the leaders. They were kicked across the line before it was a canyon. They have scars where they have been abused. They have been mocked and scorned.


I grew up in a cult.

It didn't seem like a cult when I was there. It felt like home. There were times I was there every day of the week, there was always something to do. I thought to myself, "why would I live anywhere but here?"

Then, like a wrecking ball, reality struck. The pain I experienced as a child was not just something everyone experienced, it was directly caused by abuse in leadership. The honored leaders were not who they acted like. They manipulated people, they abused people, they mistreated people, they lied, cheated and stole. People started raising questions - no longer afraid of being deemed "divisive" or "not submissive to authority". Puzzle pieces put together, the line in the sand dug a little deeper.


This quote, and a similar one, have been ringing in my head this week.

Silence in the face of evil is evil itself.

Silence in the face of oppressive, abusive leadership is evil itself.

Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.

Not to hear out your friend/family member's story of abuse that they are willing to share with you is to side with evil. To side with the oppressors. To tell them their story of trauma is false, irrelevant, or invalid.

Would you do the same to a rape victim? To a war veteran with PTSD? To a victim of racism? To a child who says a man touched them? "I'm sorry, I don't want to hear your story of how you have been abused because it upsets me and my feelings are much more important than yours". (That's absurd.... but pretty much exactly what I've heard.)

Where is the compassion? Does compassion not need to be shown when you don't want to hear their story? Is compassion irrelevant when a story of trauma involves someone you may know?

I'm still not sure why anyone would willingly choose the side of the oppressors. Trauma is real. It exists and it is what I have been through, and what many close to me have been through. It destroys lives. If the oppressors are abusing in the name of God - they are falsifying the work of the Lord, and destroying one's view of God.

I stand on the side of those abused and hurt by the church. I stand with those willing to fight for justice. I stand against the oppressors, against the leaders who run away from accountability and then play the victim. I stand with open arms and open ears to hear, to validate and to show compassion. I stand ready to hear an apology if it ever comes - but hoping to one day forgive the oppressors regardless.

To Covenant Life and Sovereign Grace Ministries: You have ruined many lives. One day you will stand before your Maker and account for the sheep you yourself have called "incurable" and have tossed aside. I don't believe it will be a proud moment for you.


Matthew 7
15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.