like i've said before, my experience in the church i grew up in was mostly good while i was there. however as i've gotten older, i've figured out that some of the things taught or the way things were done were actually very damaging. vulnerability for example. there was no safe place to be vulnerable there. you had to keep your act together, and if someone were to fall apart, then people didn't know how to handle it, or they weren't trusting god enough.
in caregroup there was only acceptable sounding sins being shared - "i'm struggling with trusting in god for my future" or "i need faith to get thru my semester"..... legit problems.... but so vague and probably not always what needed to be said. there was no safe place to admit to bigger problems without fear that you or your family would be disgraced. there was no room to be vulnerable and feel pain. it was unsafe.
so here i am as a 27 year old, unable to express pain without fear of being shamed for it, blamed for it, or dismissed. telling myself that i'm not allowed to admit i need help because i don't want people to think i don't have my life together. deciding that i'm just going to figure out life on my own because i don't want to bother people or receive some sort of fake sincere response from them.
i think being brought up in a world where no one was allowed to admit their real problems (unless they were church royalty and within certain boundaries), caused people to not only have to hide their vulnerability, but it also gave people absolutely no training for dealing with other people's real world problems! instead of walking alongside someone who is hurting, people just walk away, telling themselves, that's not my problem. instead of holding someone while they cry, they just tell them that they are praying for them (which, let's be real, they probably aren't). and even if they are saying right now - tell me what's wrong! - how can you trust that when for years you were conditioned that vulnerability meant shame?
so where do you turn when you feel your tiny world of people has either turned their back on you or doesn't allow you to feel weak or they are all just a clusterfuck themselves? drugs? alcohol? dangerous behavior? inward?
i think it's easier just to turn inward and beat yourself up over your pain, and tell yourself that you will deal with this on your own. the problem is, this isn't how we were made to process things. we were created to need other people. we were made to desire the comfort from others, and feel their support in both good times and bad. being alone may feel good for right now.... but in the long run, having support from friends is really much better. when i'm old, i want to have my people by my side. i want them to trust being vulnerable with me as i want to be vulnerable with them.
be vulnerable people! let people see your dark and twisty side! and people - allow people to be vulnerable with you! it might be scary. it might feel overwhelming at times. it might not be someone you feel vulnerable with..... let them be vulnerable. it's ok to be weak. it's ok to need help. the fact that they have allowed themselves to become vulnerable with you is a huge step - take it in stride. don't run. check in on them. be a safe place.
2 comments:
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing how you feel.
I have experienced great care groups with members that were very open and vulnerable, and care groups with those that were well meaning, but fake...with only acceptable or vague sins shared....very frustrating. Interesting...I thought it was a white person thing ...not wanting to completely be open or appear messy. (I'm not trying to offend, but different cultures just do things differently...like how they express affection, etc.) this was hard for me to adjust to, but I didn't want to judge others. I had enough of my own issues.
Anyway, I never felt like I had to agree with every concept, idea, etc, and people around me knew it. Having said that, there are a few people that didn't want anything to do with me (or my family) because I disagreed with their assessments. Oh well... I get it. There was a sense of arrogance and spiritual pride in the church that was harmful. It probably affected everyone to some extent....I don't know. My family may have been more 'protected' because we maintained friendships with people from various churches, community groups, and activities outside the church circles.
I do agree with your premise. People must be willing to love others through their trials and messes. I am grateful that people loved me through my mess, but am sad that wasn't everyone's experience. I hope you don't mind me sharing in return :)
LOL.... I think white people can be very stiff and closed in order to not appear messy. It's a pride thing.... and I appreciate how other cultures view this differently. When I wrote this, I was struggling with feeling comfortable telling people how I was really doing, both because I didn't want to put my mess out there and also because the people I had opened up to in the past had not been supportive. Being open with someone makes you feel raw and vulnerable, and to have that trust compromised makes it hard to open up to someone again.
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