when your friend is dark and twisty

forewarning: this is a rambling post of thoughts, it may not be completely coherent, but it is what it is. 

your life is falling apart. the dreams you had are now cloudy. the plans you had no longer exist. 

we've all been there before in some way or another. and we've all had people say insensitive or unhelpful things. you know they mean well, but often it ends up being useless or even causes more pain. things like, "you're going to get thru this" or "you're going to be ok" or "you deserve better than that" or "you need to just move on/get over it". if none of that, they just disappear, stop contacting you, stop answering your texts or emails, and seemingly stop caring. 

what happened to compassion? what happened to weeping with those who weep? why demand perfection from someone before you offer them help or compassion? isn't that when they need it the most? 

the best example of this is when jesus wept. it's as simple as that, he wept. he saw his friend in pain that her brother had died and despite the fact that he KNEW he was about to raise the man from the dead, he wept. he knew everything was going to be ok and yet still, he wept. 

mary was like so many of us have been like at some point in our lives - laying on the floor weeping and saying angrily, "jesus where were you when i needed you?" How many times have I asked the same question? yet jesus's answer is only compassion. he wept for her. 

jesus weeps with those who weep. He weeps for his hurt people. He weeps for his broken church.

Jesus never expects us to be able to hold ourselves together when our lives are falling apart. his people should expect the same. jesus comes down to your level when you are on the floor in so much pain you can't get up. his people should do the same. 

when your friend is in the dark and twisty place, weep with them. be there for them. listen to them. bring them a coffee, or a bottle of tequila. take them out to dinner. give them space, but let them know you are available if they need you. 

don't ask a lot of questions without their permission and assure them they don't have to answer, don't demand anything from them, or chastise them for not doing something, don't tell them to go to church or build a relationship with god, don't tell them they are better off without whatever they are lacking. just don't talk at them. there are stages of grief and loss and when they are at their darkest and twistiest, they need to just cope. no advice, no fix it solutions, just someone to listen. let's face it, they are at their wit's end already, they don't need any added pressure other than the simple things in life that may already be overwhelming for them. 

i've had people in my life who excelled at this, who held me as i sobbed, who let me just vent everything, who checked on me and who grieved with me and let me grieve. 

then i've had others who chastised me for not going to church, or who only offered advice, who simply stopped responding to pleas for help, or who seemed to just be prying for information. it's hard to be a friend to someone in the dark place, i understand that, i've been there and i've done it poorly at times. i understand that. 

be a friend. be compassionate. weep with those who weep. 

if you are in the dark place, it's ok to just not be ok for awhile. stay there for awhile. we'll be here for you.